DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the problem in any relationship? Where does the solution lie?
God uses relationships to lead us into growth and sanctification. I need to make God's purpose for relationships my purpose as well. I need to see relationships as a gift from God and work through the issues in relationships to become more like Jesus. So, in your relationships, whose agenda will you seek: God's or your own?
The following statements show positive parts of a relationship. But can you identify the hidden agenda in these statements?
- "I am so happy we don't argue like we used to."
- "I just love being with you."
- "It's great to know that I have someone I can trust."
- "Before I met you, I was so lonely."
Each of these statements reflects what the person gets out of the relationship, and each one is ultimately self-centered.
A wealthy celebrity has just given a sizable donation to a worthy cause. An interviewer asks him: "What motivated you to make this donation?" At first glance the gift seems to be a generous act of kindness. But the celebrity answers, "When I wake up in the morning, I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I am a good person. And when I go to bed at night, I can feel good about myself." The donation will benefit others, but what looks good on the surface doesn't always look good under close inspection. What we get out of relationships can "drive" even our most most selfless moments.
Two themes about relationships can be seen in Scripture:
- The power of self-interest is still present in the believer. Salvation breaks the control of sin but it still puts up a real fight. We will never escape the power of self-interest in this life, even in our best relationships. The more satisfying a relationship is, the less conscious you will be of self-interest. The most destructive diseases are the ones that don't show themselves in obvious ways. This is true of spiritual illness as well.
- God has a bigger agenda for our relationships than we do. No relationship is insignificant in God's eyes. Each one is an opportunity for him to work in both people.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is your dream for your relationships?
God has a purpose and plan for everything. God's purpose and plan for relationships is to make us more like Christ! Does this match your dream?
We all have a dream for our relationships. Our dream is often what we want, in the way we want, and at the time we want. This leads to impatience, vengeance, lying, manipulation, envy, competition, disgust, hostility, or anger. Ephesians 4 shows us what God wants our relationships to be like.
Paul tells us to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. Our lives should reflect this calling! Paul says it should show up in our relationships in the body of Christ. If you care about the Gospel, then you care about your relationships. As we read Ephesians 4, ask yourself whether this is how you think about your relationships. It may be helpful to use this list to think about one relationship.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Do we seek unity in our relationships?
....eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Paul says that we are to maintain - not create - this unity. If we are Christians, we are in relationship with other Christians. The Holy Spirit unites us. Our relationships with each other are gifts. And just like any gift we appreciate, we should treat them with care. Gossip, slander, anger, and so on, harm these gifts. If we are willing to pursue, forgive, and serve, we show care for these gifts. Is there a relationship you struggle to see as a gift? If so, are you willing to ask God to change your heart and your perspective?
What is it about hard work that can be satisfying? Paul knows that relationships, even among people who share the Spirit, will not be easy. The biblical work ethic for relationships is that they take work and the work brings God glory. Many give up when the relationship requires work. We place ourselves at the center of the relationship instead of God's calling. When our benefit is the purpose of relationships, the return isn't worth the investment. Is there a relationship you should put more work and effort into since it will glorify God?
....with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love....
Before Paul mentions specific actions, he describes four key character qualities. These are sometimes the opposite of what drives our relationships.
- Humility: This quality enables us to see our own sin before we focus on the sin and weakness of another. Do you hold others to a higher standard than you do yourself?
- Gentleness: A gentle person is not weak, but is someone who uses his strength to empower others. A gentle person can use strength without damaging those he is trying to help. Do people feel bruised in their relationship with you?
- Patience: This quality places others' needs higher than or at the same level as our own. We don't come with a self-centered agenda. Do other people feel like their needs aren't important to you?
- Forbearance: A forbearing person is humble, gentle, and patient even when provoked. Is your love for others limited by your own perceived needs or interests? Do others feel as if they must always return a favor to keep you happy with them?
Because we have received grace, we are to give grace to others in our relationships. Often, a structure of law, offense, and punishment governs relationships. I have a set of rules you must obey. I watch to make sure you follow those rules, and I am justified to punish you if you do not. This is against the gospel! God's grace and favor in our lives should reflect his glory and show in our relationships.
There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
The basis of our unity is the unity of the Trinity, not our ability to get along. We get along because Father, Son, and Spirit have allowed us to do so.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Can you describe ways that God shows humility, patience, gentleness, and forbearance? (Christ humbly coming to die on the cross; the Father patiently and gently working out our salvation; the Holy Spirit forbears by abiding with us even in the face of our sin, convicting and correcting, but never condemning.)
How often do we see diversity as a problem?
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Therefore it says,
“When he ascended on high he led a host of captives,
and he gave gifts to men.”(In saying, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.) And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
The Trinity gives us unity, and our unity also allows us to celebrate our diversity in the body of Christ. There is one God but three persons. God creates and uses our diversity to achieve his purpose: our growth in grace. Diversity is not an obstacle to growth. It is the way we grow!
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.
God has created us with different gifts, abilities, and levels of maturity. God created these differences on purpose. God surrounds us with different people to promote his purpose. Do you tend to get along only with people who are most like you?
....to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ....
God wants us to grow up. He wants the things that ruled Christ's heart to rule ours as well. Relationships are God's tool for doing this construction. This is where the true value of relationships is different than what we think. We think things are going well only if we are getting along with others. But God says that even when we are not getting along with others that he is accomplishing his purposes! If you quit at the first sign of fatigue when you exercise, you miss the chance to become more fit. Exercise after exhaustion is the most efficient and productive time for physical fitness. This is true of relationships as well. God has designed our relationships to function as both a diagnosis and a cure. When we are ready to give up, God is at work revealing places where we have given in to a selfish agenda.
We enter into relationships for personal pleasure, self-actualization, and fun. We want low personal cost and high self-defined returns. But God wants high personal cost and high God-defined returns. Think of a relationship in your life that has problems because you are two different people. Are you willing to see those differences as God's design so that you can both grow in Christ? What may God want to teach you or reveal to you through this relationship?
Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Finally, Paul explains what relationships look like when God's purpose rules. He identifies seven tendencies of the sinful heart. These are damaging to relationships, disruptive of God's purpose, and need persistent battling.
- Self-indulgence (vv. 19-24): My behavior in the relationship is driven by what I want and not God's purpose.
- Deceit (v. 25): I will manipulate the truth to get what I want out of the relationship.
- Anger (vv. 26-27): I want to control the relationship by venting my anger or holding it over you to control you.
- Selfishness (v. 28): I want to protect what I have rather than offer it to serve you.
- Unhelpful communication (vv. 29-30): Rather than use my speech to make you feel better and put you in a better position, I speak to make myself feel better and ensure that I am in the top spot.
- Division (v. 31): I give in to the temptation to view you as an adversary rather than a companion in the struggle of relationship.
- An unforgiving spirit (v. 32): I want to make others pay for their wrongs against me.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Which of the seven tendencies do you find yourself leaning toward most often?
Ask God to help change you in this area. Share this problem with another person who can help. We are all tempted by these tendencies. When we know relationships demand hard work to glorify God, we can enter the struggle rather than avoid it. We see that this is where God is present and active. We begin to run toward others rather than away from them and can experience the following:
- How much wiser God's plan is for us than our plan for ourselves (vv. 19-24)
- The life changing power of truthfulness (v. 25)
- The healing benefit of gentleness, patience, and love (vv. 26-27)
- The joy of serving the needs of someone else (v. 28)
- The value of loving and wholesome communication (vv. 29-30)
- The beauty of functional unity in a relationship (v. 31)
- The freedom of practicing forgiveness (v. 32)
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is God's agenda for our relationships?
God wants to use the struggles of our relationships for our growth and sanctification. A rock-climbing wall takes work, but the work is satisfying when you see your progress. Obstacles are in the way but the obstacles are tools for getting to the top if you use them that way. Likewise, relationships are hard work but can be satisfying as we grow and mature. Our struggles are not obstacles but instruments in God's hands. You may find some of your deepest growth has been because of great stress and trial.
- God has an agenda for our relationships that is often different from our own agenda.
- Our relationships are a gift from God.
- Relationships will require work.
- Conflict and diversity are God's tools to mold us into his image.
- God's grace enables us to overcome temptations to sin against another and to show gentleness, patience, humility, and forbearance.
- I need to examine what I want from my relationships against what God wants for them.
- I need to accept that relationships will take work but that they are a gift from God to mold me into his image.
- By God's grace, I need to battle the sinful tendencies of my heart.
- I need to apply God's agenda to my own relationships.
- I need to move toward relationships even when there is conflict so that God can use it to mold us into his image.
- By God's grace I need to seek to be humble, gentle, patient, and forbearing in my relationships.