Drawer9Part3.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COSMETICS
BUDDY BARON
16/APR/1990
Cosmetic surgeons charge $2000 for that 'fat lip' look ... guy in Jersey
will do it for $9....

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COSMETICS
R.ORBEN
22/JUN/1988
Doctors are people who suggest a complete change of scenery when
what you really need is a complete change of body.

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COSMETICS
Barry Reeves
APR/1982
I'm trying out a new face cream.  It has a wrinkle-back guarantee.  (My
last facelift - the doctor gave me a wrinkle-back guarantee).

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COSMETICS
Martha Bolton
14/APR/1982
I wear support eye-shadow.

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COSMETICS
PHYLLIS DILLER GAGS
DEC/1984
Now that they are putting face cream in tubes - the other night I got
toothpaste all over my face - woke up with three teeth growing out of my
nose

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COUNTRIES
FUNNYSTUFF
01/JUN/1992
STAY OUT OF ANY NATION WHERE THERE ARE LONG LINES OF
PEOPLE TRYING TO EMIGRATE TO HAITI.

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COUNTRIES:JAPAN
CURRENT COMEDY
24/FEB/1992
WHEN I HEARD THAT THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER CALLED
THE AMERICANS LAZY, IT MADE ME SO ANGRY, I PICKED UP THE
REMOTE AND SHUT OFF THE TELEVISION.

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COUNTRIES
Paul Batson
08/DEC/1989
The Chinese invented the gasket in 1906 - unfortunately they thought it
was a diaphragm.

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COUNTRIES
Current Comedy
22/APR/1991

THE RUSSIANS! THEY SAY THEIR GROCERY SHELVES ARE
EMPTY BUT THEY'RE ALL FAT.

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COUNTRIES
Current Comedy
14/AUG/1989

THEY MAKE GREAT CHEESE, BUT I WOULDN'T WANT A SWISS
CONDOM.

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NATIONALITIES
Current Comedy
27/AUG/1990

PEOPLE IN ICELAND HAVE A LONGER LIFE EXPECTANCY THAN
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES. DUE TO REFRIGERATION.

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NATIONALITIES
Current Comedy
06/MAY/1991

RUSSIA HAS A SEVEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD TO BUY A GUN. BUT
HEY, THEY HAVE A SEVEN-DAY WATING PERIOD TO BUY
CABBAGE.

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COUNTRY: MIDDLE EAST
CURRENT COMEDY
09/OCT/1990

THE U.S. PRESENCE IN SAUDI ARABIA HAS AFFECTED ARAB
FASHIONS. IN FACT, MANY ARAB WOMEN HAVE BEGUN WEARING
FITTED SHEETS.

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COUNTRY: MIDDLE EAST
CURRENT COMEDY
09/OCT/1990

OUR DESERT FORCES HAVE AN INTERESTING PROBLEM ---
EVERY TIME THEY DIG A FOXHOLE THEY STRIKE OIL.

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ALASKA
JOHN P. SHEA
20/APR/1989
One Idea to soak up the oil is to use a Blotter in the shape of Raymond
Burr.

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RUSSIA
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989
I love Russian food, I can't get enough of it.Neither can 200 million
Russians.

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RUSSIA
CURRENT COMEDY
12/FEB/1990
McDonald's in Russia is only the beginning, Now there'll be a demand
for other U.S. products like Tums,Alka Seltzer,Rolaids..

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RUSSIA
BUDDY BARON
02/APR/1990
The Russians have broken off detante and filled dozens of missle
warheads with Broccoli...

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RUSSIA
BUDDY BARON
26/MAY/1989
Amazing facts about the recent Miss USSR pagent:
The contestant from Chernobyl was named Miss Warmth... Standing in
line for meat won the talent competition...

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COUNTRIES
R.ORBEN
14/SEP/1988
There are now those who think that the Indians Columbus discovered
were wiser, more astute,and more intelligent then any Europeans--
mostly because they never got into three boats to try to discover the Old
Wold.

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COUNTRIES
R. ORBEN
03/AUG/1988
There's a brigth side to everything. Thanks to the drought, they just
discovered land on the property I bought in Florida.

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COUNTRIES
R.ORBEN
30/DEC/1987
If the United States was in business we'd be in chapter Eleven?

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COUNTRIES: JAPANESE
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989
The Japanese have brought Rockefeller Center in New York and
Columbia Pictures in California. They're planning one more purchase--
everything in between.

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COUNTRIES: JAPANESE
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989
A study shows that the universe is expanding rapidly,but not quick
enough to keep up with Japanese economic growth.

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COUNTRIES
PAUL BATSON
22/DEC/1989

The Chinese invented the gasket in 1906 - unfortunately they thought it
was a diaphragm.

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COUNTRIES: JAPAN
CURRENT COMEDY
27/NOV/1989

We don't have to worry about going to war with Japan again - They
won't bomb their own property.

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COUNTRIES: USA
CURRENT COMEDY
27/NOV/1989

U.S. automakers are getting desperate. If sales continue to drop, they
may have to resort to quality.

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COUNTRIES
R. Orben
03/MAY/1988

The nice thing about living in the Midwest -- wherever you go, you're
halfway there.

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COUNTRIES
R. ORBEN
09/DEC/1987

America is where anyone can become president. A Supreme Court
justice -- not so easy.

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COUNTRIES
BUDDY BARON
18/SEP/1989

It was a year ago that Hurricane Gilbert roared thru Jamaica at 115
mph... good news: Club Med is now closer to the Airport....

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COUNTRIES
R. ORBEN
16/MAR/1988

For many years he was in a disturbed and highly emotional state -----
California.

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COUNTRIES
R. ORBEN
20/JUL/1988

How dry is it? In the Mississippi River, there are catfish jogging.

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FOREIGN COUNTRIES: JAPAN
BUDDY BARON
16/APR/1990

Japanese make practically everything scented ... they wouldn't need to,
if they kept their shoes on...

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COUNTRIES: CHINA
CURRENT COMEDY
29/MAY/1989

It's difficult for the Chinese to protest because they write vertically. One
protest sign was eight stories tall.

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COUNTRIES (EAST GERMANY)
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989

One East German is very upset that they're opening the borders. He's
been digging a tunnel for the last twelve years.

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COUNTRIES
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989

Before we give up the Panama Canal we should change the locks.

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COUNTRIES: Russia
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976

Radar in Russia---elephant with a nose job.

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COUNTRIES: CUBA
Orben Gags
AUG/1978

Their crack unit is the 41st Mortar and Bongo Battalion.

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COUNTRIES
Orben Gags
AUG/1978

Who would have ever figured Cuba to become a military power? You
ever try to march to Balabu?

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COUNTRIES
Orben
05/MAR/1980

I'll say one thing for Iran and Russia: They've done more to bring
Americans together than Vitamin E.

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COUNTRIES - (Russia)
Orben
FEB/1980

I didn't realize boycotting Russia would be such a sacrifice til I tasted
Alabama Vodka.

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COUNTRIES - (China)
Paul Batson
19/JUN/1980

This is the Chinese years 4683--You know what that means---we're all
dead.

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COUNTRIES
ORBEN
20/JAN/1981

Russia expects a Nobel Peace Prize because it didn't invade another
country.

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COUNTRIES
Kenneth Wachtell
MAR/1981

One day the White House ran out of caviar and Nancy got on the hotline
to Russia.

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COUNTRIES (England)
ORBEN
4/MAR/1981
They had a preliminary rehearsal of the royal wedding and kind of an
embarrassing thing happened. Charles asked where he could stand; the
director said, "Here Prince!" -- and two German Shepherds beat him to
it.

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COUNTRIES (Canada)
ORBEN
MAY/1981

I always get a little confused when I go the Seattle. I can't decide if it has
one of America's highest rainfalls -- or Canada is leaking.

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COUNTRIES
ORBEN
15/JUL/1981

Our vacation - we visited eight different countries and every one of our
souvenirs is from Taiwan.

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COUNTRIES
Orbens
05/AUG/1981
I'm a little confused about our policy on selling seapons to foreign
countries As I understand it, we can sell all the guns and bombs and
flame-throwers and missiles and fighter plans we want to -- but only for
peaceful purposes.

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COUNTRIES (Bermuda)
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
Bermuda is a strange little island. The speed limit is 20 miles an hour.

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COUNTRIES (Bermuda)
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
(Bermuda) You can't rob a bank - the cops could catch the get-away car
on foot.

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COUNTRIES (Bermuda)
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982

In Bermuda business men look so funny wearing a coat and tie and
bermuda shorts. You see a guy running down the street and you don't
know if he's working out or late for work.

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COUNTRIES
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
Argentine - One of their submarines submerged - 18 sailors on deck
drowned.

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COUNTRIES
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
In Russia - a man is not dead - he's on eternal HOLD.

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COUNTRIES
Orbens
23/JUN/1982
The British spent a billion dollars to get their troops to the Falkland
Islands. They went through a travel agent.

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COUNTRIES
Orbens
23/JUN/1982
Britain has just closed the book on Argentina and the Falklands. It's
called I'M O.K. -- YOU'RE O.K.

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COUNTRIES
Orbens
23/JUN/1982
The Argentine junta has now learned the first rule of gentlemanly
conduct: Never strike a woman.

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COUNTRIES (Japan)
Orben's Current Comedy
SEP/1982
In Japan they teach that Columbus sailed to America in three ships - the
Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Mitsubishi.

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COUNTRY (Russia)
Orbens Current Comedy
02/DEC/1982
He has also been voted one of the finest minds in Congress -- which is a
little like making the Ten Best Dressed list in Russia.

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COUNTRY (Russia)
Orbens Current Comedy
24/NOV/1982
Pac-Man will never be allowed in the Soviet Union.  The last thing the
Russian Government wants is to have its people see a game that's
eating better than they are.

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COUNTRIES/RUSSIA

ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY

06/FEB/1985

Those group photos of the Russian leadership look like an arthritis
convention.

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COUNTRIES:POLAND
PHYLLIS DILER GAGS
DEC/1983
Poland bought 2500 Septic tanks - as soon as they learn how to drive
them they're going to invade Russia.

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COUNTRIES/RUSSIA
PHYLLIS DILLER GAGS
DEC/1983
Poland bought 2500 Septic tanks - as soon as they learn how to drive
them they're going to invade Russia.

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COUNTRIES/RUSSIA
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
06/FEB/1985
Their collective leadership is so old in the Kremlin, the Happy Hour is
any one you complete.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRIES/RUSSIA
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
20/FEB/1985

Have you ever taken a good look at the Russian leaders? Forest Lawn
revisited!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY _ RUSSIA
Orben's Current COmedy
23/May/1985

Nowadays Russians fall into two distinct categories: The first group are
those who want to escape to the United States so they can have
freedom, their own home, a car, enough to eat, and all the vodka they
can drink.  The second group are those who want to escape to the
United States so they can have freedom, their own home, a car, enough
to eat, and then they wouldn't need all the vodka they can drink.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY - RUSSIA
Orben's Current Comedy
23/May/1985

It isn't easy being a drinker in the Soviet Union. For one thing, ever
heard of a Happy Hour in RUSSIA

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY - RUSSIA
Orben's Current Comedy
23/May/1985

Russia is trying to get its citizens to cut back on their drinking. I won't
comment on how the Russians drink but this is the only country where
floors come with handrails.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY - RUSSIA
Orben's Current Comedy
23/May/1985

Russians are very practical people. On my last bisit to Moscow, I asked
a Russian official about their form of government. He said, "it's very
simple. under communism, if I have a million rubles, I share it with you. If
I have a 20 room mansion, I share it with you. if I have a brand new
suite, I share it with you. And if I have a bottle of Vodka --' I said, "Would
you share it with me?" He said, "Nyet." I said, "why not?" He said, "I
have a bottle of vodka."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRIES/RUSSIA
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
14/DEC/1984
There is no question that Russia is firmly committed to keeping the
peace. It's keeping the peace from Poland. It's keeping the peace from
Afghanistan. It's keeping the peace from Central America.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY
PHYLLIS DILLER GAGS
JUL/1984
"America is the only country where they lock up the jury and let the
prisoner go home."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRIES
PHYLLIS DILLER GAGS
JUL/1984
As Englishman complained about the strangeness of American
customs. "Over here," he said, "you could order hot tea, then put ice in it
to make it cold, then put sugar in it to make it sweet, then put a lemon in
it to make it sour, then lift your glass say "Here's to you," and drink it
yourself."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRY
Phyllis Diller
JUN/1986
China just held their first beauty contest - how can they decide? They all
look alike.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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COUNTRIES/ARGENTINA
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
31/JUL/1984
Then there's that new TV commercial from Argentina: "we make money
the old-fashioned way -- we borrow it."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Currenet Comedy
10/JUN/1991
THIS IS A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.  THERS'S A SIGN IN THE
PUBLIC LIBRARY THAT SAYS, "PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STUDY,
SO PLEASE USE YOUR SILENCERS."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
CURRENT COMEDY
UNKNOWN
12/APR/1993

A MAN WAS ARRESTED FOR CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON
AND HIS DEFENSE WAS THAT HE NEEDED IT FOR PROTECTION
AGAINST WEREWOLVES.  THE JUDGE FOUND HIM GUILTY, BUT
ORDERED THE GUY'S WIFE TO SHAVE HER LEGS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Burglars
Buddy Baron
11/MAR/1991

"Burglars pose as cable TV employees..one tip off: actual cable TV guys
never show up..."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
BUDDY BARON
18/NOV/1992

CARJACKING CONTINUES...POLICE SAY KEEP YOUR WINDOWS
CLOSED, I SAY: CARPOOL WITH ABOUT 6 ROTTWEILERS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
FUNNY STUFF
15/FEB/1993

BILLIONAIRE MICHAEL MILKEN WAS RELEASED FROM PRISON
AFTER SERVING WW MONTHS FOR SECURITIES FRAUD- WHEN
HE CAME OUT HE WAS BALD-- HIS HAIR-PIECE HAS 3 MORE
MONTHS TO SERVE ON THE SENTENCE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES
1992
MICHAEL MILKEN WAS VERY NERVOUS HIS FIRST DAY IN PRISON
BECAUSE HIS CELLMATE LOOKED A TOUGH CUSTOMER.  "DON'T
WORRY," THE GRUFF FELLOW SAID, "I'M IN FOR WHITE COLLAR
CRIME, TOO." "IS THAT RIGHT?' MILKEN SAID, RELIEVED. "YEAH,
SAID THE PRISONER. "I KILLED A PRIEST."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
BUDDY BARON
18/FEB/1992

TOP 4 WAYS TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY:

4) ASK IF YOU CAN EXECUTE THE CRIMINAL...
3) POINT TO THE JUDGE AND YELL: "HE DID IT!"
2) WEAR A BLACK HOOD...
1) ARRIVE WITH 8 BOXES OF DEPEND UNDERGARMENTS...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME: FUNNYSTUFF
UNKNOWN
01/JUN/1992

A GUY ESCAPED FROM PRISON AND TURNED HIMSELF IN THE
NEXT DAY- IT SEEMS,WHEN HE GOT HOME THE FIRST THING HIS
WIFE SAID WAS, "WHERE HAVE YOU BENN?-- YOU ESCAPED 8
HOURS AGO."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME: FUNNYSTUFF
UNKNOWN
01/JUN/1992

A BUSLOAD OF JAPANESE TOURISTS WAS ROBBED AT
GUNPOINT IN BEVERLY HILLS- POLICE ARE NOT WORRIED THEY
HAVE 1200 SNAPSHOTS OF THE SUSPECT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
CURRENT COMEDY.
26/JUN/1989

WHY ARE THEY STILL USING CHILD PROOF TOPS? KIDS WILL
JUST GET A HANDGUN AND SHOOT THINGS OFF.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
CURRENT COMEDY.
26/JUN/1989

A MUGGER'S GUN ACCIDENTALLY WENT OFF AND WOUNDED A
DRUG DEALER ACROSS THE STREET. IT'S A WELCOME CHANGE
WHEN A [[UNDERLINE]] GUILTY [[/UNDERLINE]] BYSTANDER GETS
SHOT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
R. ORBEN
30/DEC/1987

The nice thing about being disorganized is --- when burglars break
in,they can't find anything either.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
THOMAS GARDNER
12/MAY/1987

This guy never leaves me alone.  The other day he broke in while I was
in the shower and took one look at me and said "oh! Sorry. You've
already been robbed."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
RICHARD C. SHEBLESKI
02/SEP/1987
THIS MAN IS MURDER ON THE COURT. HE OUGHT TO CARRY HIS
TENN IS RACKET IN A VIOLIN CASE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
CURRENT COMEDY
13/NOV/1989

Convicts who complain about prison overcrowding should wait for a
vacancy before committing their next crime.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
20/MAR/1985

Personally, I will never understand how prisons can rehabilitate people
when they're full of killers, addicts, thieves and politicians.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
L.E. Peters
20/APR/1979

I planned to talk about crime in the city, buy somebody stole my notes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Orben Gag
APR/1979

I am always courteous.  Just this morning I gave my place on a
supermarket checkout line to a guy with only two items --- a note and a
gun.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Orben's Current Comedy
18/AUG/1982

There's a very good reason why most bank robberies occur during the
day. #1 The banks are open - #2 Who wants to carry that much money
around a night.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979

They say there's a correlation between TV and crime.  How should I
know? Somebody stole my set.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Comdey/Update
APR/1979

Crime Problem:  I stuck my arm out for a right turn and somebody stole
my watch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Bob Keane
24/Jan/1978
A burglar went though my house last week and sent me a bill to have his
gloves cleaned.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Roger Wilson
APR/1976
The only save way to travel around the city at night is if you're a bullet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Orben Gags
Apr/1976
There's a neighborhood that's so bad, you can walk for two miles without
leaving the scene of a crime.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
O'Liners
7/Mar/1978
Crime is so high in my neighborhood that our Avon Lady is making a
fortune selling Bullet-Proof makeup!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
George Tricker. Chris Smith
19/MAR/1969
Crime on the streets is so bad, my dog is afraid to go out at night; I had
to buy a lion to walk him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Orben Gag
24/Jun/1970
Speaking of crime, there was a big break-in at the local drug store the
other night. Everything was carted out of the store except the birth
control pills and hair tonic. The police are looking for a bald Catholic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Diller
23/FEB/1978

Man in a wheel chair - "Stop that main - he's stealing a chair"!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
L.E. Peters
30/APR/1979

So much crime in our town.  I was worried for the safety of our kids.
Then I found out they were committing most of it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Phyllis Diller
SEP/1964

Priest caught for speeding, says: "Sir I am Father Fox." - Cop says: "I
don't care if you're Mother Goose you're gonna get a ticket."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Orben
1977

You talk about vandalism! Last night kids broke into the Museum of
Natural History and dressed all the cavemen in tuxedos.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
PD
JUN/1975
My uncle moved to New York and got a big German shepherd for
protection.
The first night he ran into a mugger with a rhinoceros.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
S.F. Comedy Pool
SEP/1976
Vandalism has reached a new high! A jet flying over Cleveland had its
tires slashed!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Detours
Feb/1975

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the
third time by the same robber: "Did you notice anything special about
the man?" Teller: "Yes. Each time he seemed better dressed."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gag "Current Comedy" Issue No.133
09/OCT/1968
Some people think even the police shouldn't carry guns. What'll a cop do
if he catches someone robbing a bank -- shake a finger and say, "Tch,
tch, that's a no-no?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Crime
SEP/1982
Frederick C. Pisano
The other day my horoscope told me I was gonna meet a tall, dark,
stranger who would really go for me. I did, first he went for my pocket
book, then he went for my wallet, then he went for my throat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Crime
Phyllis Gags
Jun/1982

(Bermuda) You can't rob a bank – the cops could catch the get-away car
on foot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
ORBEN
21/OCT/1981

Remember – crime does not pay. Of course, honesty won't kick you into
a higher tax bracket!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Comedy/Update
APR/1979

Violence in schools is getting out of hand. Last week [[crossout]] end
[[crossout]] during show-and-tell, a student showed his switchblade and
told the other students to give him money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
PHYLLIS GAGS
JUL/1977
I IDENTIFIED THE CRIMINALS WHO STOLE MY MAKE-UP BAG. THE
JUDGE LET THEM GO. HE SAID: "SEEING HER WITHOUT HER
MAKE-UP IS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Orben Gags
JUL/1977
I know it's time for school to start. I just saw the neighbor's kid
sharpening his switchblade.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Gene Perret
Unknown
I enrolled in Karati school for protection. On the way home I was held up
by my teacher.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Orben gag
14/OCT/1969
Crime's getting worse. People are so afraid to be on the streets that
holdup men are now making house calls.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Orben Gags
6/AUG/1968
I wrote a letter to my congressman protesting crime in the streets. But
on the way to the mailbox, I got mugged.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Phyllis Gag
9/OCT/1968
"Current Comedy" Issue No. 133
I had some great jokes for you on the crime situation, but somebody
stole my notes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME: Detours
09/OCT/1979
Judge: "I cannot conceive of meaner, more cowardly act than leaving
your wife. Do you realize that you're a deserter?"
Prisoner: "Judge, if you knew my wife, you'd know I'm not a desweter.
I'm a refugee."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Mr. Kim P. Jack
21/FEB/1978
He broke a Jeweller's window to get a ring. They caught him when he
went back for the brick.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Jim Mulholland
12/Nov/1969

I was driving home, put my hand out to make a turn and someone stole
my watch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979

I'm surprised they didn't figure out what was happening at the G.S.A.
sooner. It's the only government agency with a getaway car.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Lydia Olson
APR/1976

My sister had a peeping Tom. When the police took him away, he was
still applauding!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Orben Gags
AUG/1978

Their crack unit is the 41st Mortar and Bongo Battalion.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Phyllis Gags
JUL/1978

I know they call it ice - but these diamonds are hot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Phyllis Gags
JUL/1978
I know they call it ice - but these diamonds are hot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Phyllis Gags
Jul/1977

My makeup bag was stolen at the airport. The police are looking for a
man 6'2", 190 pounds who used to be good looking.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gags
NOV/1977

Haldeman and Mitchell got a minimum security prison. If it was you or
me, we'd share a room with Charles Manson.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Orben Gags
JUL/1977

You talk about vandalism! Last night kids broke into the Museum of
Natural History and dressed all the cavemen in tuxedos.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976

They found Patty Hearst but now her parents are missing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Phyllis Gag
APR/1976

The Manson tribe shot Sharon Tate and Gerald Ford -- looks like they
are out to get all the dumb blonds.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1976

Caught them red handed - (thieves) Indians.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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PARTY / CRIME
Bill Daley
09/JAN/1965

We all got our name in the Society pages the next day. And the guests
can thank me for it. It was my idea to rob the bank.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Orben Gag
14/OCT/1969

Crime has its light side. I just heard about a robber who grabbed a
woman's pocketbook and collapsed two blocks away with a hernia.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Jules E. Tasca
11/FEB/1970
It's not safe on the street. We have a cop in our neighborhood who is so
dumb - he took an apple from a fruit stand and a citizen arrested him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Jules E. Tasca
11/FEB/1970
He was arrested again when he broke a windshield wiper while giving a
parking ticket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Jules E. Tasca
11/FEB/1970
He watched seventeen teenagers attack an eighty year old nun,
becuase they told him she started it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Coronet Magazine
14/NOV/1974

Ambitious Criminal: Someone who would steal a stove and then come
back for the smoke.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Gene Perret
Unknown

Our prison systems are terrible. It's getting so a man can't even be
comfortable between crimes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Bob Ochwat
07/APR/1970

A thief - talk about a pro - one day he walked into a big department store
and stole the store detective.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CRIME
Gene Perret
Unknown

Our prison systems are terrible. It's getting so a man can't even be
comfortable between crimes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gag / From: THE LOCKHORNS
03/MAY/1971

Fang: "Imagine putting crime and pollution ahead of divorce laws!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Orben
05/OCT/1973
I know a fella who had his income tax done for $5 and it really saved
him a lot of money. How much can you spend in Leavenworth?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CRIME
Orben
10/MAY/1973
People who don't pay their taxes in due time, do time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Crime
Phyllis Gag
08/AUG/1969
"What have you ever done for humanity?" the judge asked the convict.
"Well, judge." he replied, "I keep four detectives working regularly."
From Detours

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
He couldn't seem to learn to steal -- he finally got the hang of it -- and
they hung him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRIME
Phyllis Gag
MAR/1966
They're very nervous - you'd be nervous too if you were stealing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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JURY DUTY
BUDDY BARON
18/FEB/1992
TOP 4 WAYS TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY:
1 ASK IF YOU CAN EXECUTE THE CRIMINALS PERSONALLY...
2 POINT TO THE JUDGE AND YELL: "HE DID IT!"
3 WEAR A BLACK HOOD...
4 ARRIVE WITH 8BOXES OF DEPENDS UNDERGARMENTS..

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A WITH A
Phyllis Diller
AUG/1982
A cross between a traffic jam and a cheap funeral.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSS A____ WITH A______
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1981
Q: What do you get when you cross Bo Derek with O.J. Simpson?
A: The 10 of Spades.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a cigar with a Lawrence Welk record. He wants to blow
smoke squares.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ W/A _____
O'Liners
SEP/1979
Fang's inventor father: crossed a shotgun with a bolt of carpeting and
came up with a scatter rugs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A _____ WITH A ______
P.D.
14/NOV/1974
Q: What do you get when you cross a racoon with a skunk?
A: A dirty look from the racoon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSS A _____ WITH A ______
P.D.
14/NOV/1974
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with a jar of peanut
butter?
A: You either get a jar with four legs, or a piece of ass that sticks to the
roof of your mouth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A _____ WITH A ______
P.K. Stein
08/JUL/1964
My brother-in-law crossed a pelican with a gorilla and got an ape big
mouth!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Dorothy Virgilio
21/DEC/1964
I crossed a turkey with a parrot. I'd have cooked him too, but he talked
me out of it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSS A ____ WITH A ____?
P.D.
14/NOV/1974
Q: What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Gorilla?
A: You get a monkey that eats your laundry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
27/APR/1968
Fang's fun on a vacation. He wears all the wildest tourist fashions. He
looks like a cross between an LSD tablet and a paint by numbers kit.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a parakeet with the Smothers Brothers. It talks but it has
to tell you what it's going to say first.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a piper cub with a ball point pen. He now has the only
airplane in the world that can skywrite under butter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ______ WITH A ______
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
He crossed a birth control pill with George Meany. You don't get
pregnant, you just go into labor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
He crossed a track star's legs with my chest. He got a man who can do
the hundred yard dash in nothing flat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a coffee bean with chili peppers. It tastes horrible, but it
stays hot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a coffee bean with a birth control pill. If it's going to keep
you awake all night, you may as well have something to do.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang tried to end the smog problem by crossing motor fuel with peanut
butter. All the exhaust sticks to the roof of your tail pipe.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a mink with a zebra. He got fur coats for prisoners.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a bottle of whisky with vitamins. Now he's high and
mighty.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang raised a thoroughbred race horse on nothing but Cuban sugar
cane. So far it has hijacked three jockeys.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a cigar with a Lawrence Welk record. He wants to blow
smoke squares.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed an ordinary house mouse with an elephant. Know what he
got? A letter of resignation from the cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CROSSED A ____ WITH A ____
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Fang crossed a time bomb with a timex watch. Even after it explodes, it
keeps ticking.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Cruises
Buddy Baron
18/NOV/1992
Top 5 lies told during out cruises
5) We found your luggage...
4) All crewmembers speak English...
3) Everything's included at this price...
2) Yes, I'm single...
1) I don't drink this much at home...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISES
BUDDY BARON
9/MAR/1992
TAKING A CRUISE WITH ITALIAN CUISINE, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
A MEXICAN FOOD CRUISE TILL I LEARNED THE WINDOWS WON'T
OPEN

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
R.ORBEN
14/SEP/1988
It used to be that cruise ships provided quiet,relaxing vacations for
senior citizens. Now they're like a fraternity house with a rudder.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Cruise
PHYLLIS DILLER
20/MAR/1983
(SHIP-CRUISE) - To make the ship roll (So you know you're at sea)
midgets in the hole - rolling bowling balls from side to side.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
PHYLLIS DILLER
20/MAR/1983
(SHIP-CRUISE) - There are 42 different nationalities working on this
ship - nobody speaks English - to order lamb I had to finally go
BAAAAA.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Phyllis Diller
OCT/1982
Deck food on a ship is served on trays - just like in prison.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret
JUL/1982
Everybody thinks when they get on the ship it's gonna be LOVE BOAT -
You've heard of the Arctic Circle - It's the Arthritic Circle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Phyllis Gags. (by Joey Adams)
APR/1982
(Fang) He won a round-the-world cruise on a raffle. He refused to
accept his prize because he said he had no way of getting back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1982
Just married - going on a cruise - he rushes down to drug store - box of
contraceptives and a Dramamine (seasick pills) - pharmacist says: "If it
makes you sick - why do you do it?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
ORBEN
15/JUL/1981
The first thing you learn on a cruise ship is you have to tip the busboy,
the waiter, the maitre d', the wine steward, the day steward, the night
steward, the bartender, the cocktail waitress, the pool attendant, and the
deck chair attendant. Now I know why they call it a shakedown cruise.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Orben
09/JUN/1972
They claim the Queen Mary is one of the largest man-made objects in
the world. Whic is really upsetting a showgirl I know. She thinks she is.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
Fang and I just took a two week cruise. It was supposed to be a two
week cruise... to me it was a two week hangover with deck chairs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No.193
unknown
This woman in the next cabin drove me crazy. She was determined to
have a good time. She was the kind of woman who would go to a
funeral and try to get up a game of charades.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
I felt like stuffing a life jacket in her mouth an pulling the cord.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
If pirates had attacked the ship, she would have organized a "walking
the plank" contest.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
She insisted Fang and I come to her cabin and play poker, I told her I
was sick so she set up the card table in the bathroom.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
She sat at the captain's table for two days and after that he organized
his own mutiny.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
After being with her on a cruise for awhile it made me think... maybe the
Titanic committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
Everybody hated her. At one point in the trip somebody threw her
overboard.  Two days later the sharks threw her back.
Re: Lady on cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
Unknown

She was always smiling and happy and forcing everybody to have a
good time. It was like spending two weeks in solitary confinement with
Bert Parks.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Cruise
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
Anybody that doesn't believe I went on a cruise, I can show them the
marks the rail left on my stomach.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
I swore if I ever got off this thing I would go home and donate a torpedo
to my favorite charity.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
I turned so green, people mistook me for another celebrity. They'd come
up to me and ask me to autograph a can of peas.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
unknown
The Purser says, "Can I bring you anything?" I said, "Yeah, bring me an
island."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
Unknown

I was so sick I started to pray...I figured as long as I was on my knees all
day anyway.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
Unknown

I didn't pray to get better, I just wanted to get holy enough to get off the
boat and walk home.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Phyllis Gag
5/JUL/1967
I believe in omens - for instance, when I'm on an ocean liner and I see
the captain rowing away in a lifeboat, I worry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
Unknown

I was terribly sick and I had a fight with the captain. I wanted him to bury
me at sea, but he said it was traditional that the person die first.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Bill Majeski
16/OCT/1964
We took a cruise once and the doc said for him to walk around the deck
to keep his legs in shape. Old Fang bought a pack of cards, threw them
on the floor and walked around them. It's the only deck he ever walked
around.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Ray Koeppen
21/DEC/1964
You wouldn't believe this ship! It was so small - It tied up under the pier.
The gang plank had one rung.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Ray Koeppen
21/DEC/1964
Naturally, the instant I set foot on the deck, I became violently seasick.
On the trip, my stomach won the shuffleboard championship.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
UNKNOWN

The boat kept rocking and swaying and pitching. Fang said to him it felt
like land on a normal Saturday night.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No. 193
UNKNOWN

As soon as the weather got a little rough, first thing he did was lash
himself to a bottle of bourbon.
Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Bill Majeski
16/OCT/1964
He spent all his time on that cruise down in the bar.  He took three
pounds off his elbow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Ray Koeppen
21/DEC/1964
Honestly, it was all so terrifying, that anyone who fell overboard was
envied.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Gene Perret No.193
UNKNOWN

Now I know why Columbus was so glad to see land.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Ray Koeppen
21/DEC/1964
Then, I began taking salt tablets!  Day after day - salt tablets! Soon, the
other passengers were pointing me out by saying: "Well, there goes
Lot's wife."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Wm. Knowles
8/JUL/1964
Fang's latest bit is entering contests where first prize is a one year
'round the world cruise' - Only he signs all the entries with my mother's
name!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
On ship board looking thru a plumbers friend.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
PHYLLIS GAGS
29/SEP/1971

Fang to druggist: "You don't understand. I
want something to INDUCE seasickness ...
not cure it."

From: THE LOCKHORNS

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CRUISE
PHYLLIS GAGS
13/FEB/1968

Valor is to travel on an ocean liner without tipping. Discretion means to
come back on a different ship.
(Patricia Moody)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
You may say, what is a high brow - a high brow is a person who can
listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger -
and I do this all the time - I think of Tonto.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Let's define a "Hi-brow". A High-brow is a person who can listen to the
Wm Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE BIT
Ray Rieves
20/May/1964
But you'll have to admit TV is cultural. Where else would you see
Leonard Bernstein explain The Beatles?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE BIT: CURRENT COMEDY
UNKNOWN
26/MAR/1990

I have no luck. I bought a bonsai tree--it grew to be twelve feet high.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE BIT
R. Orben
1/DEC/1988
Millions of people go home for the holidays. It's a combination of
nostalgia, tradition, and to be reminded of why they moved away.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE BIT
BOB E. LONGSON
2/May/1987
Every year it's something different.
This year it's calcium and fiber.
Last year it was zinc. Remember?
My favorite meal was a Triple A battery and an oyster for dessert.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture Bit
Richard C. Shebelski
04/SEP/1988

I'd love to go a nude beach, but what do you pack?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture Bit
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

In other words - I am a high brow - I am descended from a very long line
- my mother once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE BIT
TOM OLSON
MAR/1981

BEVERLY HILLS IS SO SNOOTY. IF YOU WANT THE POLICE, YOU
HAVE TO SEND THEM AN INVITATION.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture Bit: Comedy/Update
UNKNOWN
MAY/1979

One potato, Two potato.  Thanksgiving Day in Moscow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966

For you they may even change it to "Who's Whom?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
24/OCT/1964
WELCOME TO THIS CESSPOOL OF CULTURE -- I -- OF COURSE -
AM A CULTURE SYMBOL - I HAVE WENT TO THE BEST SCHOOLS -
I WAS VERY BIG AT VASSERMAN - IN FACT I GRADUATED MAGNA
CUM BABY - YOU'VE HEARD OF BLUE BLOOD -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964

-2-

I have blue jeans - I am descended from a very long line my mother
once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I THINK OF TANTO. AND I THINK I KNOW
WHAT KEE - MO - SAH - BEE MEANS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

IT MEANS, "WHO PUT THE CEMENT IN THE DEODORANT?" (LOOK
FOR IT IN THE YELLOW PAGES).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Culture
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

My husband pronounces Carousel caROUsal -- and I'm so chic when I
see ENTRANCE on a door - I say enTRANCE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE:CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

THE REASON I AM HERE - THEY HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE OF
THIS CLUB A REGULAR CESSPOOL OF CULTURE - AND THAT IS
WHY I AM HERE - I JUST HAPPEN TO BE A CULTURE SYMBOL.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
DONALD O. MICHAU
29/MAR/1966
HE'S SO UNCULTURED! I ASKED HIM IF HE LIKED THE BELL SONG
FROM LAKME, AND HE SAID HE PREFERRED THE DING-A-LING
FROM GOOD HUMOR!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
14/NOV/1963

TALK ABOUT CULTURE.. MOTHER SAW TO IT THAT I WAS
EXPOSED TO EVERYTHING -- MEASLES, MUMPS, WHOPING
COUGH...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
14/NOV/1963
A CLUB THAT IS SO HIGH BROW... IT'LL HAVE TO PUT A STEEPLE
ON IT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

MY CULTURE PROGRAM IS WORKING.  THE OTHER EVENING,
OVER AT THE BLUE ANGEL WHERE I WORK, SOMEBODY
BROUGHT A LITTLE 9 YEAR OLD BOY IN THERE... AND WHEN HE
LEFT, HE WAS 38.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN CLOTHES - I'M REFERRING TO CULTURE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY MONEY, DIDN'T YOU? SILLY,
MONEY WON'T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. OF COURSE I'M
REFERRING TO CONFEDERATE MONEY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CULTURE
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Woman visitor - from the League of Local Culture - she shouldn't have
left her purse on the floor open - the cat (evidently thought it was filled
with sand.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

CULTURE BIT
THE REASON WHY I AM HERE - THEY HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE
OF THIS CLUB A REGULAR CESSPOOL OF CULTURE - AND THAT
IS WHY I AM HERE - I JUST HAPPEN TO BE A CULTURE SYMBOL.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

CULTURE BIT
IN OTHER WORDS - I AM A HIGH BROW - I AM DESCENDED FROM
A VERY LONG LINE - MY MOTHER ONCE FOOLISHLY LISTENED
TO.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

MY HAIR ID SONE BY GENERAL ELECTRIC.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE:CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

IT'S NYLON - IT'S NO TROUBLE AT ALL - DRIP DRY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

MY CLOTHES ARE BY CHARLES ADDAMS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING ABOUT MY HOSE - THEY'RE
FOR GIRLS WITH DIRTY LEGS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

I BELONG TO THE BOOKIE OF THE MONTH CLUB.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME SUGGESTED READINGS:
THERE IS A GREAT NEW BOOK OUT ENTITLED - GETTING ALONG
WITH PEOPLE BY MARIA CALLAS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

OH, INCIDENTALLY, HAVE YOU HEARD THEY'RE SENDING MARIA
CALLAS ON A GOODWILL TOUR TO EUROPE - GUESS WHO'S
GOING WITH HER? OSCAR LEVANT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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CULTURE
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964
CULTURE BIT
WE MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE MOON.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

I am an authoress - I have a best seller - out it was made into a movie. I
wrote Marjorie Morningsickness - and that was a sequel to my other
best seller NOT WITH A STRANGER - which followed my other book -
FROM HERE TO MATERNITY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

MY THIRD BOOK AT THIS VERY MOMENT IS GOING INTO IT'S [SIC]
SIXTH PRINTING - IF I COULD PRINT BETTER - I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO DO IT OVER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

I WISH YOU'D WATCH FOR IT WHEN IT COMES OUT UNDER THE
TITLE PASSION POWER GREED AND FURY - IT'S A COOK BOOK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

BUT I SEE IT AS A MOVIE - BECAUSE THE COOK BOOK FIELD IS
SO CROWDED - JUST LAST WEEK OUT OF THE DARKEST HEART
OF AFRICA CAME A BOOK ENTITLED HOW TO SERVE YOUR
FELLOW MEN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

ALL THE COMPETITION IN THE BOOK WRITING FIELD IS TOUGH -
THERE'S JAMES JONES' LATEST NOVEL SOME CAME RUNNING -
IT'S A BOOK ABOUT NOSES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

I WANT TO SET UP ONE SCENE FROM MY BOOK FOR YOU -
WHERE THE HEROINE, LOVELY NAPTHELENE MACFUNGUS - HER
MIDDLE NAME IS THYROID - SHE'S LOVELY - BUT SHE HAS AN
UGLY NECK - IT DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH - BECAUSE HER
EARS COVER IT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

Picture her spiraling down the stair case - now the stair case is straight -
but she is loaded.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

And the staircase leads directly into the swimming pool - because the
guy who built the house is an idiot - Frank Lloyd Wong.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

At the foot of the staircase is Napthelene's husband - Clamdip.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

He is down there - treading water. (Clamdip)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

He has a problem - he has unruly hair - on his nose. (Clamdip).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
Now here she comes - down the staircase - wearing this really daring 2
piece outfit - SPATS!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CULTURE: CULTURE BIT
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964

I'm sure you know how really dedicated I am to culture - I honestly
believe there is nothing like going to bed with a good book - or a friend
who's read one.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
MARCY BROWN
11/OCT/1988
All my life I've had an "R" rating -- Ridiculous.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES: CURRENT COMEDY
UNKNOWN
13/MAR/1989
Not only is there no light at the end of the tunnel, but there are trains
comming from both direction.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSE
Phyllis Diller Gags
OCT/1985
(CURSE) May you PERRIER WATER be secretly bottled in Tijuana.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May a crazed duck quack your sister to death.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May a sick bluebird fertilize your Easter bonnet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May a 200 pound sheep dog have an affair with your leg.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May an angry penguin eat your knee caps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May a sick mule spit alfalfa juice on your club sandwich.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
16/MAR/1978
May a sick holy man put a giraffe in your Volkswagon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSE
UNKNOWN
MAY/1982

May a mangy skunk piss on your sponge cake.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSE
UNKNOWN
MAY/1982

May a syphlytic ape piss in your bassoon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
AUG/1982
May a flock of sick geese fly over your dinner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
AUG/1982
May a team of deranged chiropractors gang crack your sister's back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
May a mangy skunk piss on your sponge cake.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Gags
JUN/1982
May a syphlytic ape piss in your bassoon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Curses
Cassady
Unknown

[[image - National Enquirer comic; depicts a witch in bed reading a book
titled "The Joy of Hex"]]

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Gag
APR/1979
May a crazed holy man put Easy-Off in your jockey shorts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Rich Little
28/NOV/1972
CURSE: May a crazed camel driver marry your daughter and spend a
week at the _ motel in _(city)_.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Gags
JUL/1978
A CURSE - May a herd of elephants do a balancing act on your bunion.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May an overweight Albino piss in your ear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May a crazed tailor sew your pants to your ankles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May a crazed waitress put corn pads in your cheerios.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS. Peter Daniels
16/MAR/1978
May a crazed Voo Doo witch make moss grow on your gums.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May your sister choke on a cup of hot lard with a hair in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May a sick holy man put a giraffe in your Volkswagon

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May you choke on a sandwich made of sea weed and chicken lips.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
16/MAR/1978
May a 500lb. truck driver impale your sister on the Alaskan pipeline.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May a crazed holy man put sourkraut in your saxaphone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May an overwrought school-teacher have an affair with your thumb.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
14/MAR/1978
May a sick camel throw up in your living-room.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May your wife's mother put a tooth paste label on your tube of Bengay.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
14/MAR/1978
May an angry penguin eat your knee caps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
14/MAR/1978
May a sick holy man spit pretzel juice on your bean sprouts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
14/MAR/1978
May a broken computer, fold, spindle, and mutilate your sister.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
PHYLLIS DILLER
14/MAR/1978
May a sick bluebird fertilize your Easter bonnet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978
May a mad scientist rearrange your type-
writer keys.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978
May a 200 lb. mad dog have an affair
with your leg.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978
May a sick albino spit hot mustard on your banana bread.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978

May a crazed duck quack your sister to death.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978

May a 14 megathon lightning bolt hit your belt buckle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
14/Mar/1978

May a sick mule spit alfalfa juice on your club sandwich.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
PD
Oct/1974

May a spiney tailed goat fish catch his fins in your hair net.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
Phyllis Diller
09/JUN/1972

May your legs grow together. (said to a woman.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CURSES
JOHNNY CARSON
28/NOV/1972

CURSE: May a sick yak puke in your dune buggy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D: MCH
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

Stucco voice - D McH

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
Commute ticket not stuck in his wallet - and they punched a hole in it -
moved back to town - now lives at the station - in a tube.  His children -
Isotope and Electorde McH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D McH
Phyllis Gag.
Jul/1964
Don't spill the drink -- we're short of booze (McDoo).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. MCH
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964

Let's listen to OFF for a while (McDoo).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

A show for women over 40 who don't like to knit - that's top drawer
thinking McH - now get out of the top drawer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Theatre tomorrow - when Dave interviews Peggy Alcatraz P___ whose
father owns the beauty shop -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D. MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
McH has invented a new game for a team called Midgets - it is played
indoors - on a checkerboard - with chess men....

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Why should you _____ when for nothing - you can listen to McH and
_____.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D. McH
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
McH usually has 4 guests - on bad days atBlack Rock - they're all the
same person -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D. MCH
Phillis Gag
Nov/1964
If you have trouble sleeping listen to Da. MCH

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

D. McH
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Save your money - listen to radio - esp. McH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

He will teach you how to save money yet he always has a ball - he
saves string. (McH)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Listen to McH. Have a ball - save string --

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Also - save - if you have 2 plugs - listen to McH and vacuum your room
at the same time - clean your room while you clean your brain.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Brain Wash.
Get brain foam.
The foam rubber brain.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Lot of bouncy ideas like:
What to do with leftover lint-
Knit it into a foam lint dish holder.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. McH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

The only show in the world - sponsored by Carter's little black straps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D. MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Theme -- McH saved people.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

So let go - and listen to D. McH. - teen age pin setter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

D MCH
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964

Hear the truth about Alcatraz - for D. McH - is Alcatraz sinking or is the
water growing up around it - hear all about Alcatraz.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

        

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

McElhatton is a ham - he is the only man in the world who had his teeth
fixed - to go on radio - when he opens the door to his refrigerator - and
the light goes on - he tells a joke - he says: A funny thing happened to
me on the way to the refrigerator - I fell over a toad stool which
fortunately fell out of the mushroom soup - before we ate it.

He frequently slips on the floor of the kitchen - because his wife - a
former model of Goodwill gowns - doesn't really know how to clean a
floor - she cold creams it - she hates wrinkled floors - one day he slipped
as he was carrying out the garbage - and one of his wife's friends
dropped in to drop off a book from the library - called Cave Age Cooking
- noticed the floor - and said: My dear - what a beautiful new flowered
rug - talk about sculptured - talk about grain - is that real grain - Yes, we
had grain for dinner - what texture - If I don't know better - I'd say that is
a real tomato --

Only man in the world with foam rubber gums.

He smiles on radio - it's in his voice box - which was a gift wrapped at
Gump's - gift-wrapped tonsils - When you hear Dave - with a rose in his
teeth - his teeth are so bad - How many people have roses growing in
them - If you press butterflies - if you are the kind of person who would
like to tap maples so the syrup is fresh - listen to the freshest guy on
radio - Dave McH - you talk about fresh - he called Grandma Moses an
easle beaver - to her face - when her back was turned - but she got help
- later that day - went to an osteopath - who gave her an adjustment, but
after she left, she said: Either my back is worse, or there's lumps on his
table.

If you are the kind of person who celebrates national library week - by
burning your card - you're a McH fan - listen to the happy illiterate - at
the man who invented the triple breasted suit - holds all the patents on it
- the P[[INSERT]]a[[/INSERT]]tent leather - what ever happened to blue
suede -

One thing you're not going to hear on the McH show - ever - is poetry -
with jazz - you may hear poetry - and you may hear jazz - but never at
the same time - they aren't scared about using every minute - you'll hear
them separately - none of that Beatnik stuff - because McH shaves
daily.

This man makes a commercial sound like September Song.

Some of the listeners of the McH show wonder what he looks like - well,
if you don't know - you're lucky - he has reached that age where he's
standing up - and his body is sitting down - how he reached it so fast - I'll
never know - because actually - he's young - he may have hurried - he
appeals to women - in an odd way - he has all the charm of a married
Liberace - he's

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

UNKNOWN
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
-2-
a combination of Rock Hudson, Jim Backus and Trigger. The man with
the unbuttoned lip - the man with the Long Play mouth - he talks - talks -
sings in H. flat - which is why they were evicted - of course his kids had
written on the walls too - with their mother's lipstick - thank goodness -
they couldn't spell - his wife is the president of the very chic women's
union suit league - their slogan - bring back union suits for women - to
bring down the cost of nylons - she is the only woman in the world who
flies a drop-seat broom - she flew past the milky way one night - and
curdled it - she is the kind of woman who flies a plane - around the globe
- and then cuts herself on a marshmellow - and has to have intra venus
feeding - thank goodness - Venus wasn't busy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 9, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 01:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

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