shlomif-sig-quotes.txt

I don’t believe in fairies. Oops! A fairy died.
I don’t believe in fairies. Oops! Another fairy died.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
The prefix “God Said” has the extraordinary logical property of converting any
statement that follows it into a true one.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I used to be arrogant. Now I’m simply perfect.
    — one of Shlomi Fish’s relatives, https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Microsoft — making it all make sense. Ours.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Linux — Because Software Problems Should not Cost Money.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/art/linux_banner/
%
The American Lottery: all you need is a dollar and a dream. We will take the
dollar, but you can keep the dream.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Judaism: God knows you will do shit, does nothing to prevent it, but makes you
take the blame for it anyways.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Judaism: God is all the shit, all the non‐shit and all the intermediate
demi‐shits in between.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Oh! I wish you could see the look on his face! Actually, I would have also
liked to see the look on his face, but just then I woke up from the dream.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/TheEnemy/
%
Had I not been already insane, I would have long ago driven myself mad.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/TheEnemy/
%
A more experienced programmer does not make less bugs. He just realizes what
went wrong more quickly.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Knuth is not God! It took him two days to build the Roman Empire.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Knuth/
%
Knuth is not God! God has already released TeX version 4.0.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Knuth/
%
There is no IGLU Cabal! None of them could pass the Turing test. But strangely
enough a computer program they coded, could.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/shlomif.html
%
Knuth is not God! Typing “God” into Google and pressing “I’m Feeling Lucky”
will not lead you to his homepage.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Knuth/
%
Knuth is not God! Unless you confuse him with Dijkstra.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Knuth/
%
C++ supports Object‐Oriented Programming roughly as much as COBOL supports
Functional Programming.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I hope that if it had not been clear before, it isn’t less clear now.
    — One of Shlomi Fish’s Technion Lecturers
%
My opinions may seem crazy but they all make sense. Insane sense, but sense
nonetheless.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
There’s no point in keeping an idea to yourself since there’s a 10 to 1 chance
that somebody already has it and will share it before you.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Two apples a day will keep two doctors away.
    — one of Shlomi Fish’s relatives
%
“You are banished! You are banished! You are banished!
Hey! I’m just kidding!”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
He has a high degree of idealism, a high degree of stubbornness, and an even
higher degree of inability to distiniguish between the two.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
If his programming is anything like his philosophising, he would find ten
imaginary bugs in the “Hello World” program.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Hacker sees bug. Hacker does not want bug. Hacker fixes bug.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Tcl is Lisp on drugs. Using strings instead of S‐expressions for closures is
Evil with one of those gigantic E’s you can find at the beginning of chapters.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
95% of Programmers consider 95% of the code they did not write, in the bottom
5%.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
No self‐respecting tomboy would use Mandriva.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
C++ is complex, complexifying and complexified.
(With apologies to the Oxford English Dictionary).
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
  :)-<
   +--
    — Moses the Smiley by Shlomi Fish
%
The first phrase that needs to be taught when teaching a new language is how to
say “Do you speak English?”. The first thing that needs to be taught when
teaching a new computer tool is how to exit it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
He who reinvents the wheel, will understand much better how a wheel works.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
He who reinvents the wheel, may actually invent a much better wheel.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
He who reinvents the wheel will likely design a square wheel and spend a year
trying to figure out why it doesn’t work properly.
    — Nadav Har’El, https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Sometimes you don’t need to be familiar with a better alternative to know that
something sucks. Take Microsoft Word for example.
    — Shlomi Fish’s friend.
%
The difference between a good student and a bad student is that a bad student
forgets the material five minutes before the test, while a good student five
minutes afterwards.
    — One of Shlomi Fish’s Technion Lecturers
%
Real programmers don’t write workarounds. They tell their users to upgrade
their software.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Jewish Atheists are the only true Atheists. They beat the hell out of Goy
Atheists.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Except for boastfulness, rashness is my only defect!
    — Based on https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/TheEnemy/ .
%
If it isn’t in my email, it doesn’t exist.

And if the whole world says one thing and my email says something different,
email will conquer.

    — an Israeli Linuxer.
%
The bad thing about hardware is that it sometimes works and it sometimes
doesn’t. The good thing about software is that it’s consistent: it always
does not work, and it always does not work in exactly the same way.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Larry Wall can understand the Perl code he wrote last year.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall gets the colon.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
There are at least 137 Larry Walls in the U.S., but only one that matters.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall applies a patch manually quicker than GNU patch.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall dreams in Perl.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall can program in his sleep.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall is lazy, impatient and full of hubris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Larry Wall has more dollars in the bank than in his Perl code.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Electrical Engineering studies. In the Technion. Been there. Done that. Forgot
a lot. Remember too much.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I’m not an actor — I just play one on T.V.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Trying to block Internet pornography is like climbing a waterfall and trying
to stay dry. (— one of Shlomi Fish’s Internet Friends)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
“I’m not straight — I’m Israeli.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
It does not mean what I think it means, but it means what *you* think it
means.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
We don’t know his cellphone number, and even if we did, we would tell you that
we didn’t know it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
What do you mean by “WDYM”?
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I’d do Windows-- , but this may result in an integer underflow.
    — an Israeli Linuxer.
%
Nobody expects the Randal Schwartz condition!
    — David Fetter
%
I often wonder why I hang out with so many people who are so pedantic. And
then I remember — because they are so pedantic.
    — an Israeli Perl Monger
%
Ran Eilam To Shlomi Fish: so what are you working on? Working on a new wiki
about unit testing fortunes in freecell?
%
You can never truly appreciate The Gilmore Girls until you’ve watched it in
the original Klingon.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
God gave us two eyes and ten fingers so we will type five times as much as we
read.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Only wimps complain about bad code. Real men clean it up.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Wikipedia has a page about everything including the
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitchen_sink .

    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
*shlomif:* hack, hack, hack ; save ; make ; make test; commit. And start over.

*mrjink:* hack, hack, hack; save; make; swear; fix typos; save; make; make
test; swear some more; hack some more; save; make; make test; cheer; commit.

*meep:* hack, make, test, segfault, oh noes, revert to previous revision
%
What does “IDK” stand for? I don’t know.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Give me ASCII or give me deaþ!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
In the Technion, there are many ways to get from one place to the other, but
they are all the same length.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
English spelling aims to be consistent. Publicly and methodically.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
COBOL is the old Java.
    — https://is.gd/ClKAz5
%
You name it — COBOL does not have it.
    — https://is.gd/ClKAz5
%
Chuck Norris wrote a complete Perl 6 implementation in a day, but then
destroyed all evidence with his bare hands, so no‐one will know his secrets.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris refactors 10 million lines of Perl code before lunch.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is his own boss. If you hire him, he’ll tell your boss what to
do.   — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris read the entire English Wikipedia in 24 hours. Twice.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris does not code; when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever
he wants. (By: Kattana.)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes. (Su‐Shee) He corrects God. (Shlomi Fish)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is the ghost author of the entire Debian GNU/Linux distribution.
And he wrote it in 24 hours, while taking snack breaks.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris doesn’t commit changes, the changes commit for him.
    — Araujo
%
Bugs are too afraid to reproduce on Chuck Norris’ computer. As a result, when
he uses Microsoft Windows, it behaves just like a Linux system.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is a real programmer. He writes programs by implementing the most
optimised machines for them using real atoms.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles that they consider lame.

Chuck Norris deletes Deletionists whom he considers lame.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
There are no deletionists. Only Wikipedia articles which Chuck Norris allows
to live. (By: joeyadams)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
No one knows all of Perl. Not even Larry Wall. Except Chuck Norris, who knows
all of Perl 5, Perl 6, and can answer questions about the design of Perl 7.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris reads all messages posted to LKML (= the Linux Kernel Mailing
List), understands them all, and he kills all gnomes he sees in sight.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When Chuck Norris uses Gentoo, “emerge kde” finishes in under a minute. A
computer cannot afford to keep Chuck waiting for too long.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is the greatest man in history. He killed all the great men who
could ever pose a competition.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
“My only boss is God. And Chuck Norris who is his boss.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can make the statement “This statement is false.” a true one.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
XSLT is the worst thing since non‐sliced bread.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Mothers used to tell their children stories about XSLT to scare them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
XSLT is the number one cause of programmers’ suicides since Visual Basic 1.0.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
The X in XSLT stands for eXtermination.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
The only things worse than XSLT are Excel and Sugar‐Less Tea (XSLT).
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
XSLT is what Chuck Norris has nightmares of.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Confucius says: “XSLT made me realise humanity was hopeless.”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
God considered inflicting XSLT as the tenth plague of Egypt, but then thought
it would be too evil.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
In Soviet Russia, XSLT codes you. Badly!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Satan condemned Hitler for a million years of writing XSLT.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
The KGB used to torture their victims by having them look at scrolling XSLT
code.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
“My name is Inigo Montoya. You forced my father to write XSLT. Prepare to die!
And be thankful I don’t force you to write XSLT.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Stray XSLT code causes more deaths than road accidents.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil redirects to XSLT.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Mastering ‘cat’ is almost as difficult as herding cats.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Mastering-Cat/
%
NASA Uses COBOL.
    — https://is.gd/ClKAz5
%
When a FLOSS developer says they will work on something, he or she means
“maybe”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/osp_rules.html
%
* Backward compatibility is your worst enemy.
* Backward compatibility is your users’ best friend.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/osp_rules.html
%
Every successful open source project will eventually spawn a sub‐project.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/osp_rules.html
%
Duplicate effort in FOSS is inevitable. Live with it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/osp_rules.html
%
The number of items on an open source project’s to‐do list always grows or
remains constant.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/osp_rules.html
%
<rindolf> buu: do you have a functional spec? An architecture document? An
interface whitepaper? A developer’s guide? A user manual? A “The BL Book” and
“BL — The Program”?
<buu> rindolf: no, no, no no and no
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
<mst> I find it’s usually safe to assume that whatever shlomif’s doing, there
isn’t a good reason for it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
Become an awesome Perl ninja rockstar vampire zombie pirate.
    — https://is.gd/T2uCO7
%
<PerlJam> I’m trying to achieve world peace and this regex is the last thing
standing in my way! ;)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
<rindolf> “be here or be not here — there is no maybe.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
<rindolf>  If you repeat a scene 50k times, then the movie will have less
entropy and will compress better. ( irc://irc.freenode.org/#perlcafe )
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
Modern Perl — the 3‐D Movie. In theatres near you.
%
<rindolf> I am not solvable. I am Turing hard.
%
<rjbs> sub id { my $self = shift; $json_parser_for{ $self }
    ->decode($json_for{ $self })->{id} } # Inside‐out JSON‐notated objects
%
I started out as a BASIC programmer. Some people would say that I’m
permanently damaged. Some people are undoubtedly right.
    — Larry Wall , https://www.perl.com/pub/2007/12/06/soto-11.html/
%
bzr is slower than Subversion in combination with Sourceforge.
    — Sjors, https://dazjorz.com/
%
There is no IGLU Cabal! Its members can be arranged in N! orders to form N!
different Cabals. The algorithm to find which order formulates the correct
IGLU Cabal is NP‐Complete.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
There is no IGLU Cabal. The problem of founding an IGLU Cabal has been proven,
in a surprise move, to be equivalent to the question of the existence of God,
fully‐tolerant religions and NP‐complete oracles.   — Omer Zak
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
There is no IGLU Cabal! Home‐made Cabals eventually superseded the power and
influence of the original IGLU Cabal, which was considered a cutting edge
development at its time.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
There is an IGLU Cabal, but its only purpose is to deny the existence of an
IGLU Cabal.
    — Martha Greenberg, https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
There is no IGLU cabal! The former cabalists are trying to prove the
correctness of a program that proves the correctness of proofs of other
programs.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
My Commodore 64 is suffering from slowness and insufficiency of memory, and its
display device is grievously short of pixels. Can anybody help?
    — Omer Zak, https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/tinic.html
%
I hope that you agree with me that 99.9218485921% of the users wouldn’t bother
themselves with recompilation (or any other manual step for that matter) to
make their games run 1.27127529900685765% faster ;-) — Nadav Har’El
%
I also have versions of this code in COBOL.NET, Intercal, PDP‐10 Assembly, J,
APL, Windows NT 4.0 Batch script and Autocad Lisp — I’m sure you can handle
all of them because none of them is Perl. ;-).
%
Dax: yep, space. Nothing but nothing all around.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Q: I’ll be about 6.5 milliard Terran years next September.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Sisko: Q: would it be OK if my crew brought along their phasers with them?

Q: Of course. They can also bring some photon torpedoes if they wish. None of
them will work, but I don’t mind them taking them.
%
Q2: Busy people are unproductive. We are very productive and so we’re never
busy.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Katie: in case you have any interest in me, I should note that I have a policy
against getting involved with people who are 4 times my senior or more.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
When Chuck Norris uses git, he takes a coffee break after initiating every git
commit. And then he waits for the commit to finish.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris has actually been using Perl 6 since 1987, and has been waiting
for Larry to play catch‐up.
    — dukeleto ; https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris does not code; when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever
he wants. — Kattana on Freenode’s #perl6 .
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Logic sucks. Morality sucks. Reality sucks. Deal with it!
%
Chuck Norris can end world hunger, but he thinks that hungry people make
humanity a more challenging adversary.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris writes understandable Perl code.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can read Perl code that was RSA encrypted.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If you have the same ideas as everybody else, but have them one week earlier
than everyone else — then you will be hailed as a visionary. But if you have
them five years earlier, you will be named a lunatic. ( Barry Jones )
%
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mohandas_Gandhi (Disputed)
%
I learned a lot from my teachers, and from my friends more than my teachers,
and from my pupils the most. — Rabbi Hanina
%
Better be a tail for the lions, than the head of the jackals.
    — Pirkei Avot, 4 15
%
What is is. Perceive It. Integrate it. Act on it. Idealize it.
    — Leonard Peikoff
%
And the top story for today: wives live longer than husbands because they are
not married to women.
    — Colin Mochrie in Whose Line is it, Anyway?
%
I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope.
    — Ashleigh Brilliant
%
The more I think about it, the more I think I should think about it some more.
    — Clarissa Explains it All
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.                                       — Unknown source.
%
“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
    — https://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Redundancy
%
In Soviet Russia, every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates.
    — https://linux.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=195378&cid=16009070
%
Tel Aviv, a functional definition: free parking space‐free space.
    — Shachar Shemesh ( https://blog.shemesh.biz/?p=435 )
%
Sesquipedallianism: making excessive use of long words.
%
Learn Perl from “Learning Perl in 24 Minutes Unleashed, in a Nutshell for
Dummies.”
    — based on Shlomi Fish and f00li5h on #perl
%
A golfed Java program will be longer than non‐golf Perl or Python code.
%
“We’re not just doing it for money… we’re doing it for a shitload of money!”
    — Spaceballs, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094012/
%
Lone Starr: “Just what we need — a Druish princess.”
Barf: “Funny! She doesn’t look Druish.”
    — Spaceballs, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094012/
%
The cool thing about Vim is — you find something interesting with every typo.
    — Su‐Shee on Freenode’s #perl .
%
Larry Wall *does* know all of Perl. However, he pretends to be wrong
or misinformed, so people will underestimate him.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Real programmers use a nice editor and a nice programming language and get it
done in less than O(N!).
    — vanguard on Freenode’s ##programming
%
Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft decides to use Richard Stallman’s Emacs as the
basis of his company’s state‐of‐the‐art product Microsoft Editing Macros™
Enterprise Edition XP .NET Professional.
%
JATFM == “Just answer the fabulous man”
%
The one and only, 100% original, real, actual, and unmatched, Slimy Fish™!
%
Jack: Hi Sophie!
Sophie: Don’t “Hi, Sophie!” me.
Jack: Don’t “Don’t ‘Hi, Sophie!’ me” me!
%
Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to
death with a loaded Uzi.     — Larry Wall
%
And truth be told, I miss you.
And truth be told, I’m lying.
    — The All American Rejects, “Gives You Hell”
%
Yesterday I asked one of my students if she knew what an encyclopedia is, and
she said: “Is it something like Wikipedia?”.
        — https://twitter.com/alisonclement/status/8421314259
%
<Botje>  Khisanth =~ s/must sleep/must give Botje all my money/ .
    — Freenode’s #perl
%
CPAN thrives *because* of the unfettered uploading of shit, not in spite of it.
    — Andy Lester
%
Real men don’t listen to sentences that start with “Real men don’t”.
    — https://whatsup.org.il/article/6023
%
<ew73>  VB.NET is all of the fun of enforced privacy OO with all of the power
of BASIC.           — Freenode’s #perl
%
I invented the term Object‐Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in
mind.                  — Alan Kay (Attributed)
%
I’d love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
    — Unknown
%
He says “One and one and one is three”.
Got to be good‐looking ’cause he’s so hard to see.
    — The Beatles, “Come Together”
%
Larry Wall’s pure‐Perl code is faster than Assembly.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Chuck Norris once wrote a 10 million lines C++ program in Microsoft Notepad
without having to use the backspace key. And it compiled without errors or
warnings, and was 100% bug‐free.
%
Larry Wall has been changing the world. By modifying its very source code.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Peter_Ustinov
%
A kid always wishes they were older until they are 18. Afterwards, they always
wish they were younger.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Sophie: Let’s suppose you have a table with 2^n cups…
Jack: Wait a second! Is ‘n’ a natural number?
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
If God exists and is the ego‐maniacal, sadistic and helpless creature that is
described in the Old Testament, then we’re in deep trouble.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I might be mad. But I’m a mad genius.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
To err is human; to apologise — divine.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
To have bugs is human; to fix them — divine.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
To have bugs is human; to find them — divine.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
An original philosopher knows the right combination of ideas to steal.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I promised, I forgot, I did not keep my promise — just shoot me, and get on
with it!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
mplayer 0.9.999.2010.03.11-rc5-adc83b19e793491b1c6ea0fd8b46cd9f32e592fc is
now available for download.
    — Shlomi Fish and d3x.
%
I may be a geek, but I’m a true Klingon geek‐warrior! And a true Klingon geek
warrior ALWAYS bottom‐posts.
%
Shlomi: if you read my stories, I’ll give you 1,000,000 virtual dollars.
Sjors: causing me to have a lot of extra virtual time!
%
If Botticelli were alive today, he’d be working for Vogue.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Peter_Ustinov
%
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear has nothing to fear but XSLT.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Xena the warrior princess can meet King David for breakfast and Julius Caesar
for lunch. Without time travel.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Xena/
%
No one calls Xena the warrior princess “Zeena” to her face and survives.
Luckily for you, she hasn’t visited the modern day United States yet.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Xena/
%
Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Peter_Ustinov
%
In Soviet Russia, cats own you. No, wait! Cats own you everywhere.
%
E‐mail, web feeds, and doing something productive — choose two.
%
The worst way to waste your time is to never waste it.
%
Writing a BitKeeper replacement is probably easier at this point than getting
its license changed.
    — Matt Mackall (who ended up writing a BitKeeper replacement)
%
<danderson> “We are NO LONGER the knights who say ‘BitKeeper’. We are now
the knights who say ‘git, git, git, cogito — Linus!’.”
%
There was one Napoleon, one George Washington, and one me!
    — Big Boy Caprice in
       https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dick_Tracy_%281990_film%29
%
Emacs is a nice operating system, but what it lacks, in order to compete with
Linux, is a good text editor.
    — based on https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Emacs
%
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects
such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern
art.            — Tom Stoppard
%
The best thing about a UDP joke is that I don’t care if you get it or not.
    — https://gregsowell.com/?p=2742
%
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    — Unknown
%
Staring at XSLT code for one minute has a 67% chance of making one permanently
blind.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Larry Wall can make shit up, and the computer will understand what he means.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Larry-Wall/
%
Whitespace in Python is not a problem: just lay out all the whitespace first,
then add the code around it.
    — sizz on Freenode’s #perl
%
“Interesting” has a negative correlation with “successful”.
    — Anno on Freenode’s #perl
%
A: I’m hungry today.
B: Well, wait until tomorrow. Maybe this feeling will pass.
%
Only dead fish go with the flow.
    — via Nadav Har’El
%
“THERE IS NO JUSTICE. THERE’S ONLY ME.“
    — Death in Terry Pratchett’s Mort
%
How many “one-liners” do I actually write? I don’t know; maybe a couple dozen
a day. But I guess I must be unusual, because as we all know, AWK was a
complete failure and vanished into obscurity since it didn’t address anyone’s
real needs. (That was sarcasm.) — “Twelve Views of Mark Jason Dominus”
%
Failure is not an option! It’s bundled with the product.
    — Cipher-0 in Freenode’s #perl
%
If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad will go to the
mountain. If the mountain will not come to Chuck Norris, then the mountain
will suffer Norris’s wrath for not complying with his whims.
%
We agree. But do we agree to agree?
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
A wiseman can learn from a fool much more than a fool can ever learn from a
wiseman.               — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Cato_the_Elder
%
sed and awk make me sad and awkward.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
Chuck Norris has 0 messages in his E-mail inbox. Including already read ones.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If a million Shakespeares had to write together, they would write like a monkey.
    — based on Steven Wright, via Nadav Har’El.
%
<talexb> “Hey, I have a flat tire. Can you help me change it with a can opener
and a pound of sesame seeds?”
    — talexb on parsing HTML or XML with regular expressions.
%
Chuck Norris was never a newbie! He will kill anyone who implies otherwise. In
a very not newbie-like manner.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Only perl and Chuck Norris can parse Perl.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
All Chuck Norris has to do is *look* at Perl code and it interprets itself
out of fear and respect. — DrForr
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris taught God how to create the universe.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The conversation about how someone shouldn’t do something in an IRC channel is
always at least twice as long as the text the accused person created in the
first place — Chris62vw’s Rule
%
That’s why I feed my leprechaun every day — because there are not enough
phonemes in Navajo to tell him to get his act together and find a job.
    — My comment on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izne8XcaBBg .
%
Chuck Norris is the reason why the Knights who until Recently Said “Ni”,
are no longer saying “Ni”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is not afraid of superstitions. Superstitions are afraid of Chuck
Norris. (via Dov Levenglick)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
In Soviet Russia, superstition believes in you. — Sawyer X
%
Where they have burned books, they will end in burning human beings.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Heinrich_Heine
%
Quark: “Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. But only for your customers”.
Rule of acquisition No. 172.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Why can’t we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having
a “War” on it? -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc
%
Chuck Norris *does* expect the Spanish Inquisition.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Spanish Inquisition does not expect Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A wood chuck can’t chuck wood. Chuck Norris can chuck wood chucks.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Java is a DSL (= Domain Specific Language) to transform big XML documents
into long exception stack traces. — Scott Bellware
%
Bigamy: Having one wife too many.
Monogamy: The same thing!           — Unknown source.
%
One thing I could never understand is why in Microsoft Word, it often happens
that I press enter… and the font changes.
%
But if you’re writing [open source software] for the world, you have to listen
to your customers — this doesn’t change just because they’re not paying you in
money.
    — Eric S. Raymond in The Cathedral and the Bazaar
%
On the Road (and on the Internet), don’t be right — be smart!
    — https://shlomifish.livejournal.com/909.html
%
Flock aimed to be the browser for the social web, but I found it to be the
completely anti-social browser.
%
Thank God I found the good in goodbye!
    — “Best Thing I Never Had”, Beyoncé
%
Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again.
    — Ecclesiastes 1:11
%
Do one thing every day that scares you.
    — Eleanor Roosevelt
%
The English Wikipedia: now you don’t see it — now you do.
%
The devil created a 10th circle of hell for the inventors of XSLT, because
the first nine circles were too mild for them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
I have a brilliant idea: a distributed, NoSQL, Webscale™ /dev/null alternative.
I’m going to patent it. (Inspired by arubin on ##programming.)
%
<Su-Shee> Also, .* is the most unspecific regex you can use. It’s like saying:
oh well match something of anything or nothing, and, please, a lot of it ;)
%
Objective jIronPerl++.NET Enterprise Edition♭ Professional Home Premium 64-bit
Single-user.
    — based on a Freenode #perl conversation ( https://is.gd/cCUBY2 )
%
All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory… :-)
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Larry_Wall
%
<Su-Shee> Absolutely. Also: a German dog barks “wau” and a cat meows “miau”
<rindolf> Su-Shee: German animals are true German patriots.
%
The NSA don’t publish. They perish.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The NSA employs the largest number of mathematicians with Ph.Ds. And the most
stupid and incompetent ones.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The NSA has a patent for an efficient process for collecting a lot of
information and doing nothing with it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The Bajoran scholars have positively identified Benjamin Sisko as The Emissary.
They also positively identified the NSA headquarters as The Dungeon.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
One of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s episodes took place in the NSA headquarters,
but had to be destroyed, because all of the test audience had uncontrollable
panic attacks.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The NSA knows what you did last summer. But no one, in the NSA or outside it,
knows why they should.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The more the NSA think, the less they want to be able to think. So they think
less and less.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
With the NSA’s budget you would expect evil to be extinct by now. (By Kika).
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
Think of the most incompetent organisation possible. The NSA would be even
more incompetent than that.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The NSA headquarters are the unhappiest place on Earth.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
Yogurt: “Never overestimate the power of the NSA.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The gods help them that help themselves. ( Ancient Greek Idiom )
%
If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad will go to the
mountain.  — Francis Bacon
%
Reality to be commanded, must be obeyed.  — Francis Bacon
%
Trust in God, but tie your camel.
    — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_helps_those_who_help_themselves
%
God helps them that help God help them.
    — https://shlomif.livejournal.com/66017.html
%
 <rindolf>  You are all Nazis! ;-)
  <tadzik>  People who invoke Godwin’s law are worse than Hitler.
    — Freenode’s #perl
%
/usr/bin/perl consults Chuck Norris with how to parse Perl.
    — Nadav Vinik ; https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris helps the gods that help themselves.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If the mountain does not come to Muhammad, then Chuck Norris will bring the
mountain over.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
An apple a day will keep Chuck Norris away. But not for long.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Reality to be conquered, must be obeyed. You’d better obey Chuck Norris or
he’ll conquer you.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris had a problem so he decided to use regular expressions. Now,
all the World’s problems are solved.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Buffy will always find a wooden stake to slay vampires, even if it means
she will have travelled 100 years back in time, to plant a tree nearby.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Buffy/
%
Buffy Summers does not really need stakes to slay vampires, because her kisses
are deadly for them. And that includes those that she blows in the air.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Buffy/
%
A is A and A is not not-A — unless Chuck Norris says so.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can make East and West meet.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When Chuck Norris orders Pizza, it arrives before he presses the OK button.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris does not need to heat up food. The food is already warm right
after he took it out of the fridge.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck’s idea of a short walk is to the Andromeda Galaxy and back.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Chuck Norris of the Buffyverse, has been secretly training under Buffy’s
supervision, and so far - lost every battle with her.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Buffy/
%
Buffy is so hot, that you would totally love to fight her. And lose. (by
Dan Dascalescu.)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Buffy/
%
Chuck Norris hasn’t taken these facts down yet, so they must be true.
(by Cantide)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
For every A, Chuck Norris is both A and not-A.
Chuck Norris is freaking everything.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Tomorrow never dies, unless Chuck Norris volunteers to take it out of its
misery.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. Chuck Norris created
the world in one day, and has been incrementally destroying it every day since,
without rest.
%
Well, one thing I can tell you about parenthood is that such things
can progress from figurative to literal, extremely quickly.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
I can imagine the headline: “Sarah Michelle Gellar, who played
Buffy the vampire slayer, murdered in cold blood by child daughter.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
The apple completely supplanted the tree.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
SGlau: Between the President and God, I don’t suppose you mean the Pope?
SMG: Oh no… You realise I’m Jewish.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
I am the Little Red Riding Hood of Messiahs. My apocalypse is badder than
yours.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/the-eternal-jew/#reception
%
“Publish or Perish” → “Life or Death”
    — https://unarmed.shlomifish.org/2615.html
%
SGlau: I suppose serving here at the NSA is also one of your 99 problems?
Daniel: Hey, this place is at least ninety of my problems.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
Selina: Toothpicks? Have you blokes been watching too much Sesame Street?
Warrior #1: Why, of course! Every mighty Klingon warrior has watched Sesame
Street.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Jessica on the phone: Sel, you’re getting strange lately, but you are becoming
more amusing in the process.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Selina: By the way, apparently, we will never be able to truly appreciate
Sesame Street until we watch it in the original Klingon.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Mephiqoleth: THERE ARE JEWS OF MANY SPECIES.
Selina: Really? That’s great - can I have a Jewish lady-cat? I want one
so she can mother cute little Jewish kittens.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Clarissa Darling can start from “I think therefore I am” and prove that
Isaac Newton formulated the Law of Gravitation back in 1687.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Clarissa/
%
Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem is about to be replaced by the
[Clarissa] Darling “Like, Totally!” Completeness Theorem.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Clarissa/
%
Clarissa Darling will win over Chuck Norris in a battle of wits.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Clarissa/
%
 <petn-randall>  Writing your own nirvana may be easier than writing a good
                 blog engine ;)
    — https://is.gd/3Hh82T
%
 * rindolf demands equal rights for years, minutes, hours and days to also get
   YAAKOV’S GREAT HUGE LOVE.
    —  https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
 <rindolf>  I LOVE YOU ALL WITH YAAKOV’S GREAT HUGE LOVE.
    —  https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
 <rindolf>  RESOLVED / WONT_FIX / FUCK_YOU … story of my life.
    —  https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
 <Su-Shee>  Botje: “you can’t kill Botje” isn’t Newton’s first law.
 <Su-Shee>  It’s not even the 5th.
    —  https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
 <Su-Shee>  rindolf: yeah because Perl’s crypt() is TOTALLY different from all
            the other crypt()s. ;)
 <rindolf>  Su-Shee: crypts are like snowflakes - no one alike.
  * rindolf has a huge and comprehensive collection of crypts on his disk.
%
“A is A, and A is not not-A? WTH is he talking about??! Of course A can be
not-A! I want a little of the stuff he’s on!”
    — Initial reaction to the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organon
%
Laziness will bring the downfall of mankind, but I can’t be arsed to do
anything about it.
%
The Angel of Death cannot keep up with Chuck Norris’s throughput of killing.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
First the NSA ignores “silly” Internet memes, then they laugh at them,
then they are unable to fight them, and then they lose.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
The NSA is an intelligence agency which thinks it can use Artificial
Ultra-Stupidity (AUS) to wade through tons of irrelevant information and
reach genuine understanding.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
Your next job after one in @NSACareers, will be as a dead corpse in a coffin,
6 feet underground, or as a patient in a psychiatric ward.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
Hackers bend the rules, so the NSA hates them. Instead, the NSA accumulates
rules, observes them, and accepts their fate: death.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
SGlau: Sounds really crazy. Are you sure you’re OK?
SMG: No, I’m not. My secret for success was that I was never completely sane,
heh.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
SMG: It was 1997-1998ish, Buffy started airing. So one day a group of
yeshivah pupils arrived to the studios saying they have some numereological
insights from the Jewish bible, about what will happen in Sunnydale next.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
Daniel: Yeah, those guys [= NSA] don’t publish…
Andrew: They perish, man.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
Yes, of course. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. For her
country and the benefit of man-kind of course. [She puts her hand in the
air] God bless America!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
SGlau: Heh, you’re looking at me like I’m the only pretty girl for miles.
George: Heh, that would not be an overstatement. The NSA is very far
from being anything like the Israeli military.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
George: I guess you can enter now. I’m just following orders.
SGlau: The Nuremberg defense!
George: This place gives you no other option.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
SGlau: You want to publish… As a fellow artist, I want to publish too.
Dr. Feldman: “Publish or Perish” - they always told us that when I got my
Ph.D.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Summerschool-at-the-NSA/
%
The Guide: THE PORTRAYAL OF BUFFY SUMMERS, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, IN
THE TELEVISION SHOW WAS VERY EXAGGERATED. THE REAL BUFFY IN QUESTION IS AN
INCOMPETENT SLAYER. EVEN I AM BETTER THAN HER.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Alan: Hello, Miss Mandrake. I’m Alan. [she shakes his hand.]
John: John. [shakes his hand.]
Alan: We’re mighty vampires.
Selina: [Amused] Selina Mandrake, mighty pirate.
%
Selina: How may I be of service?
Alan: Well, according to the Codex, we’re supposed to be slain by you.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
John: Hey, we are completely non-violent vampires. We don’t suck blood.
Selina: I thought all vampires suck blood.
John: Bullocks, hen. Vampires come in all shapes and sizes.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
Selina: Quite a weird lot this supernatural underworld seems to be.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
The Messiah will come when everybody assume his role.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/the-eternal-jew/
%
I am the most powerful man on Earth.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/the-eternal-jew/
%
    <rindolf>  preaction: every mighty Klingon warrior uses Vim.
  <preaction>  only green-blooded Romulan scum use Emacs
    — #perl, https://is.gd/grdEqT
%
  <rindolf>  Barbapappa: Buffy Summers > Chuck Norris
<preaction>  so, Chuck Norris is a vampire?
  <rindolf>  preaction: no, but in the Buffyverse, he’s getting pwned by Buffy
    — #perl, https://is.gd/grdEqT
%
In Soviet Russia, joke is tired of you.
    — apeiron, #perl
%
All truth is God’s truth.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/show.cgi?id=larry-wall-all-truth-is-gods-truh
%
What's the point of claiming your code is illegal?
I might anger a few, but I just wanna sue
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Can-I-SCO-Now/
%
Can I SCO now? Sue who you wanna sue, it doesn't matter anyhoo, it's time to
litigate.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Can-I-SCO-Now/
%
Officer: Captain, there’s a new star system a few thousands of lightyears
away, and its sun has an irregular shape.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Major Kira: Well, duh! The prophets spoke of several of The Invisible’s
children and their whereabouts.
Jadzia: Major, you and I will need to talk someday about that “duh”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Star-Trek/We-the-Living-Dead/
%
Vizzini: He didn’t fall?! Inconceivable!
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you
think it means.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_%28film%29
%
Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
The Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_%28film%29
%
“I am always right. Unless I say that 'A is not-A'. But Chuck Norris will be
right even then.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris does not own a dishwasher. His dishes know better than to become
dirty.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Angel of Death cannot keep up with Chuck Norris’s throughput of killing.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Computers are useless because they can only give you answers. Chuck Norris
is not useless, because he knows the questions which these answers belong to.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is Vito Corleone’s godfather. (by ZadYree)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris will kill everyone who has not read these factoids.
Slowly and painfully.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris could have built the Roman Empire in a day. And it would have
taken him even less time to destroy it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
    — Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
%
Chuck Norris once counted all the real numbers on his fingers. (by: ZadYree)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Only two things are infinite: the universe, and Chuck Norris’s destruction
ability. And we cannot be sure about the former thanks to the latter.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris knows who John Galt is.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Medusa’s gaze can turn people into stone. Buffy’s gaze can turn Medusa into
stone.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Buffy/
%
I’m worser at superlatives.
And I don’t ever use no double negatives.
    — James at War, “Bad Grammar”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj6QqCH7g0Q
%
Chuck Norris won the Nobel Peace Prize. For making millions of people rest
in peace.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Thank you! I was wondering why I hated Eclipse so much, and you have put your
finger on it. It’s exactly like a 21st century Emacs.
    — Shachar Shemesh on the Haifa Linux Club mailing list.
%
God is Chuck Norris, for extremely large values of God.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can become root on OpenBSD. By using nothing but /bin/echo.
(By: ZadYree and Shlomi Fish)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is the reason why OpenBSD is called OpenBSD. They wanted to
call it LockedDownBSD but couldn't find a way to keep Chuck Norris out!
(By Andrew Brehm) — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Wikipedia deletionists Don’t Die. They lose notability and get deleted.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
I figured wrong (with a capital R).
    — Harvey Danger: “Wine, Women and Song”.
%
For all you know, you may not exist, and Chuck Norris convinced you that you
do.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
I HAVE NEITHER BEEN THERE NOR DONE THAT
    — Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode AABF17
%
  <LeoNerd> “I hear eclipse is really nice, but I’m still waiting for it to
            load.”
    — Freenode’s #perl
%
average_drifter prefers something more lightweight than Windows Notepad. Like
Eclipse.
    — Freenode’s #perl-cats
%
Chuck Norris wrote an interpreter for a Turing-complete language using only
NOPs.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
  <rindolf> Java: because there is nothing better to do with 16 GB of RAM.
    — Freenode’s ##programming
%
Chuck Norris does not keep any numbers on his mobile phone’s address book.
Instead, he memorised the entire phone directory.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When Chuck Norris drops a cat, it falls on its back so it won’t lose
eye contact with Chuck.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If Chuck Norris had dropped his toasts, they would have fallen on the dry
side, so they would have stayed on his good side. But Chuck Norris never
drops toasts. (ZadYree and Shlomi Fish)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can solve MS Freecell deal No. 11,982. With Zero Freecells.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris once solved 100 million deals of Freecell in a minute. By hand.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
After Chuck Norris said “I don’t believe in fairies.”, fairies have become
extinct.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
It’s kinda, sort-of… pretty much… quite… awesome I tell you - awesome!
Got it? It’s kinda awesome!
%
Chuck Norris caught the early bird before she caught the worm.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris helps God help those that help themselves.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
“If it’s not bloat, it’s not us.”, said Richard Stallman, the colourful head of
the GNU project, and started to sing the Free Software song.
    — “The GNU Project Will Integrate GNU Guile into GNU coreutils”
%
God ties Chuck Norris’ camel.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can convince everyone that the colour of the bikeshed should be
his favourite colour.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris finished building the bike-shed by the time people stopped
arguing what its colour should be.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris’ E-mails are signed with “Sent using Chuck Norris’ brain (which
he can also kill you using it).”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When Chuck Norris receives an E-mail signed “Sent from my iPhone”, he makes
sure that iPhone won’t be able to send any more E-mails — to Norris or
otherwise.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
“Stop reinventing wheels, start building space rockets.”
    — The motto of the Comprehensive Perl Archive Network
%
Chuck Norris wrote a program in Python that was easier to understand after
being encrypted with RSA.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When Chuck Norris disses your product, it’s not good publicity, even though
you can bet he’ll get the name right.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
ANSI C - There is usually one way to do it, but there’s more than one way to
optimise it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
Visual Basic - The only way to do it is to use a third party component.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
Python - There’s only one way to do it. The one true way of doing it. And then
there are others.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
Forth - There are several ways to write it, but no way to read it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
The C Preprocessor - There’s not supposed to be a way to do it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
Fortran - there isn’t a way to do it... oh wait! Now there is.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/ways_to_do_it.html
%
Chuck Norris knows if you’re a dog on the Internet.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If a tree falls down in the middle of the forest, and there’s no one there to
hear it… what colour is the tree?
    — Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge
%
Chuck Norris was the 1,000,000,000th viewer of the Gangnam Style video on
YouTube. — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris used these facts to his advantage, making a huge comeback. He
didn’t get mad — he got even!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can only convince you that you're deceased. Summer Glau can
also convince you that you're alive, which is much harder.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau can hold and use a gun in each hand. There's no way that Jennifer
Lawrence can hold and use a bow in each hand.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau does not have to hurt you if she doesn't want to . Chuck Norris
kills everyone in sight.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau has better ways to make a difference than by being violent.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
It takes Summer Glau exactly a minute to write a rebuttal like in
xkcd: “Venting”, and she would sign it as Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
I wish that my words and deeds will carry reality *forward* instead of
preserving the status quo.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/stories/
%
If Chuck Norris travelled to the market with his son and his donkey, he would
have clubbed the critics to death. With the donkey.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Playing Hermione in the Harry Potter films was a dirty job, but Emma Watson
got a shitload of money and worldwide recognition for doing it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Emma Watson is not acting in films for money. She is acting in films for
a shitload of money.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
If the miller travelled to the market with Emma, they would have each rided
their own donkey. Problem solved.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Emma Watson is not perfect, but she's really good at hiding her imperfections.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Scary thought of the day: The Princess Bride - the 3-D remake.
%
Roses are red, violets are blue, something something Chuck Norris,
now they are red too. (by: Rounin)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris ability to destroy is only matched (and exceeded) by
Summer Glau’s ability to undo his destruction.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Whatever Chuck Norris taketh, Summer Glau giveth back.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
If Ayn Rand was born in the 1990s, she would be
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christina_Grimmie .
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html#if_ayn_rand_was_born_in_the_1990s
%
Summer Glau can lead a horse to water, and then it will drink out of its
own volition.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Emma Watson may not look too menacing with a wand in her hand. Until she uses
it with great accuracy to poke both your eyes out.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
I love being convinced that I was wrong before. That way I knew I
improved and am now wiser. Like the Klingon warriors say when it happens:
“What a great day it was for me to die!”.
%
You are much more likely to find a good significant other - of a perfectly
sound mind and body - in a Sci-Fi/etc. conference than you are in the middle
of the wilderness.
%
Chuck Norris was the 1,000,000,000th viewer of the Gangnam Style video on
YouTube. Summer Glau was the preceding 100 million views.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
If the mountain does not come to Emma Watson, she won’t bother visiting it.
It would be the mountain’s loss, really.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
<rindolf> Underscores are the most nutritious punctuation. But you also need
to eat letters, digits and whitespace for a balanced diet.
    — https://is.gd/pHLcFq
%
[Leonard]: So, did you love it? Of course you loved it. How could you not love
it? Tell me how much you loved it.
[Penny]: It was cute!
[Leonard]: Oh, don’t say cute. That’s the worst.
    — The Big Bang Theory - https://is.gd/4oVmEn
%
Summer Glau can restore the people that Chuck killed, back to life.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau can give you the Hug of Death, but you’ll die happy.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
When it comes to terminators, you have a better shot at Arnold Schwarzenegger
than at Summer Glau.      (Via The Big Bang Theory)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
<rindolf> Yaakov: did you donate some of your patented GREAT HUGE LOVE™
to needy people recently? ;-)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/sharp-perl.html
%
Rindolf is the Evil twin brother of Rudolph and Randolph, Santa’s goody-two-
shoes reindeer, who are among his arch-enemies. He is also one of the
cornerstones of the Evil Reindeer Evil World Domination Evil Conspiracy, which
aims to spread Evil in general and Reindeer Evil in particular around the world.
%
Not only is Rindolf an evil Reindeer, but he is also the notorious insane
tyrant and mass-murderer, Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/me/rindolf/
%
     <rindolf>  We have a saying: “We survived Pharaoh - we’ll survive this.”
 <sorabji5252>  I suppose it’s all cake after Pharaoh.
    — Freenode’s #reddit channel
%
I’m not sexist - I just play one in real-life.
%
A woman is a lady even if she is or was a porn actress or a prostitute.
Treat her with respect, be honest to her - be a gentleman.
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/478025441983213569
%
*Reg*: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine,
public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health,
what have the Romans ever done for us?
    — Life of Brian (1979) ( https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079470/quotes )
%
Chuck Norris: Thank you, Kermit. You can learn more about me from my 500-page
autobiography, which took me an hour to write, and from the comprehensive
book of Factoids about me, of which I wrote every one.
    — https://is.gd/htmOCv
%
*Chuck*: Indeed. Anyway, I invited a friend who is even crazier than I am.
*Kermit*: Really, who is this crazy guy?
*Chuck*: Actually, it’s a crazy girl.
    — https://is.gd/htmOCv
%
SGlau: shut up, Mr. Frog! I’m here on a mission from the Grammar God. Herr
Norris and I are loyal servants of Grammar Nazism, which aims to unite Grammar
Europe under the reign of the Third Grammar Reich. Hail Grammar!
    — https://is.gd/htmOCv
%
SGLau: By the way, herr Frog: it is not that hard to be green.
    — https://is.gd/htmOCv
%
Head Mafio: Well, I am seeking vengence on a blog comment the two of you wrote
and signed as https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiffany_Alvord .
    — https://is.gd/htmOCv
%
*Harry*: Yes, it is obvious that this pig is the most beautiful person for
miles.
*Miss Piggy*: Indeed. Candice Swanepoel ain’t got nothing on… Moi!
    — https://is.gd/zsmond
%
Harry: Mr. Mumford, I hereby propose my friend, the beautiful Hermione.
Hermione: Ahem… actually I kinda have a bad hair day today, so I think
your assistant should be the beautiful Harry (Potter!) here.
Harry: Very well, I shall be the beautiful assistant.
    — https://is.gd/zsmond
%
Dumbledore Two: No, me is his successor: Dumbledore Two.
[He takes a 2-like number from behind his back, and eats it.]
Dumbledore Two: Num num num… delicious!
    — https://is.gd/zsmond
%
I wear prescription glasses so I may be half-blind, but at least I'm trying
hard not to be a complete dick.
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/480765130242662400
%
Xena the Warrior Princess has not met Chuck Norris yet, or otherwise he
would have been badly and permanently injured.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Xena/
%
Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch. Summer Glau has exactly 98
problems.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Fluttershy ( https://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Fluttershy ) immediately stops crying
when Emma Watson comes to visit her.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Chuck Norris can construct any logical expression using only AND gates.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can construct any logical expression using only AND gates.
Summer Glau can replace Chuck with a very small AND gate.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris reinvented a better wheel. Summer Glau reinvented a better Chuck
Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris can neither confirm nor deny that he was the Alpha Male. But
he’ll kill you if you say he wasn't.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Who would win in a fight? Charlemagne, Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin or
Carlos “Chuck” Norris? If Summer Glau was the arbiter, she would just kill all
of them and declare herself the winner.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris round house kicks doors open instead of using their keys.
Summer Glau makes sure doors are open using her mind.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris does not boil up water. If he wants, his ice cubes boil water,
instead of making it cooler.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Summer Glau just works here. She teaches Chuck Norris how to perform
his chores in the best possible manner.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Oh believe me, the Nagus has the greatest business mind in the entire Ferengi
Alliance, always thinking ten, sometimes twenty steps ahead of everyone else.
    — Quark in https://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Grand_Nagus
%
You gotta go out there, believe in the ball, and throw yourself.
    — The Wise Janitor in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_another_teen_movie
%
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff and his deputy. Summer Glau became the new
sheriff and shot Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau can kill you with her mind. But she’ll never need to or will.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Joel’s Generalisation: If it happens to you, it happens to everybody.
(Or: It’s never only you.)
    — Based on https://www.joelonsoftware.com/news/20020402.html
%
Yawn! Too TL;DR! Dude, do you even tweet?
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/504931822757638144
%
We are men of action. Bullshit does not become us.
— Shlomi Fish via https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_%28film%29
%
Chuck Norris wrote the entire tvtropes.org wiki, so he can sleep with your
significant other while you are distracted reading it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Emma Watson does not have 10 years of experience in developing Enterprise Java
software. However, she has over 10 years of experience in getting shit done -
well, on schedule, and at a reasonable cost.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Chuck Norris does expect the Spanish Inquisition. But he doesn’t expect
Summer Glau.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
When wishing to comment on a WordPress blog, Summer Glau finds a new zero-day
WordPress SQL injection exploit, and uses it to insert the comment into the
database directly, because even she cannot rely on its comment box to work.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris can edit Wikipedia super protected pages. Anonymously.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
XSLT isn't like violence. XSLT is violence - there is no such thing as using
it too little.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/XSLT/
%
Reality to be commanded must be obeyed. Chuck Norris disobeyed reality, and
now he commands it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
«The holocaust did not happen, so shoot me, bitch!»
    — https://www.flickr.com/photos/shlomif/8424748431/in/photostream/
%
  <rindolf>  She's a hot chick.
  <rindolf>  But she smokes.
 <go|dfish>  She can smoke as long as she's smokin'.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/fortunes/show.cgi?id=she-can-smoke
%
Our parents can't be spies! They're not cool enough.
    — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spy_Kids
%
“Talk Like a Pirate Day” is the only day of the year when Chuck Norris only
talks like a pirate, and does not actually act like one.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
On “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, ye be sailin’ across the great seas to seek
the shore of Summer Glows and Summer Glaus. Arrrr!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
On Yom Kippur (= the Jewish Day of Atonement), Chuck Norris forgives God for
his sins.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate holidays -- holidays celebrate Chuck Norris.
(By sevvie: https://sevvie.github.io/ .)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
I am sane enough to act crazy sometimes.
— https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Emma-Watson-Visit-to-Israel-and-Gaza/
%
Monologue: one person talking to himself.
Dialogue: two persons talking to themselves.
    — Shaike Ophir: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bpVrKm9QCc
%
For all the people who think I’m insane, be aware that if I complied by the
mainstream definition of sanity, I would not be half as successful as I am
today.
— https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Emma-Watson-Visit-to-Israel-and-Gaza/
%
EmWatson: A wand… yes, the bane of my existence. I’m thinking of collecting
money for a public campaign to convert the weapon most associated with me to
something more menacing.
— https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/Emma-Watson-Visit-to-Israel-and-Gaza/
%
Becky: My mother’s Jewish and I’m kind of a spoiled Jewish American Princess.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Cliff: OK, OK, God works in mysterious ways - making a brony girl / Miley
Cyrus aficionado into a slayer and making me, who has practised Martial Arts
for years, and is incredibly athletic (“Buff-y-ed”, heh!) into a freaking
warlock.  — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Cliff: Oh, he [= Chuck Norris] is great! Keeps saying various aphorisms that
I can never tell if they are from the Bible or not, but, ye know, he’s just
being himself.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Cliff: And he takes losing (like with me - I won two rounds out of three)
amazingly well. Says that he can learn more from a lost fight than from
a fight he’s won.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Becky: Summer Glau asked *you* to fight *her*? Get out! I’m not
worthy… I’m not worthy… I’m not worthy… Cliff, you’re a freaking wizard!
Cliff: I’m a freaking witch!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Faith: Hey! “Slut” is such a 90s term. The new name for that is “polyamorous”!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Buffy: I’m so glad we’re not one of those married-plus couples that don’t know
any single people.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Daniel: Hello ladies, may I join you?
Buffy: Well, we’re having a girls’ talk, but… sure!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Buffy: OK, Xandoosh, can you perform a search to find where such a duplicator
is present?
Xander: Sure! Hey, Wil, can you use a spell for that?
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Ken: [to Sarah] And who are you?
Sarah: I’m Sarah Eisenman. A Jewish vampire slayer. And who are you?
Ken: …Bitch!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Sarah: Tell you what, Ken? Why not come to the diner, and I’ll pay for your
food and drinks. I’ve been earning quite a lot of cash from tips. You can tell
us stories from this dimension of evil of yours.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Sarah: Ken, would you like some more juice?
Ken: No, Sarah, that's OK, I’m stuffed. Anyway, I think I’ll return to my
dimension of evil now - they will be clueless without me. Thanks for everything.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Faith: Becky… you have a lot of potential. You’re more than a pretty face.
Becky: Heh, I knew that I have potential, but do you really think I have
a pretty face?
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Becky: Oh my god! Oh my god! Demonology… martial arts… knife throwing…
history of slaying… Latin… and — American History, English, and Drama.
I need juice. [She flails and sits down.]
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Buffy/A-Few-Good-Slayers/
%
Chuck Norris once refactored a 10 million lines C++ program and was done by
lunch time. It then took Summer Glau 5 minutes to write the equivalent Perl
10-liner.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau showed Kermit the Frog how easy it can be to be green.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris makes sure his ciphers are unbreakable by killing all the crypto
experts that could possibly break them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris’ ciphers were once broken. He responded by breaking those
individuals.             (By sevvie: https://sevvie.github.io/ .)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
By the time Chuck Norris found out who John Galt is, Summer Glau already had
sex with him.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Chuck Norris grows money on trees.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A fanatic: one who redoubles his efforts after he has forgotten his aim.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/George_Santayana
    (via https://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=4371 ).
%
As it turns out, compiling a C program from more than 20 years ago is actually
a lot easier than getting a Rails app from last year to work.
    — https://passy.svbtle.com/building-vim-from-1993-today
%
If you have to ask what Jazz is, you'll never know.
    — Attributed to https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Louis_Armstrong
%
Because you can't just make shit up and expect the computer to magically know
what you mean, Retardo!
    — Mark Jason Dominus, https://perl.plover.com/Questions4.html
%
The world is full of people, who each have their own personal whims and quirks,
and which they expect you to remember and accommodate for, all the time.
%
Some people were allocating memory before it was cool. These people are called
heapsters.                (via ZadYree)
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
    — Unknown Source
%
“God is dead.” — Nietzsche
“Nietzsche is dead.” — God                 (Unknown Source)
%
Question: What is the difference between Chuck Norris and God?
Answer: Chuck Norris knows he isn’t God.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Too much of Chuck Norris is not a bad thing.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris killed the fat lady before she could sing.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough
people to make it worth the effort. — Herm Albright (via On Gossamer Wings)
%
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation and
naming things.           — Phil Karlton
%
Golden rule #12: When the comments do not match the code, they probably are
both wrong. ;)              — Steven Rostedt, https://lwn.net/Articles/433900/
%
It always works at the end. Too bad it doesn't work right away at the beginning.
    — Shlomi Fish’s relative.
%
Some people grow older and wiser. Not I. I grow older and more foolish.
%
Give Yogi a rifle. Support your right to arm bears!
    — Unknown Source, via Nadav Har’El.
%
One of my most productive days was throwing away 1,000 lines of code.
    — Ken Thompson (Attributed)
%
“C is for Cookie” is not good enough for Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can hear the sounds of silence.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Anything less than the best is a felony.
    — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_Ice_Baby
%
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
    – A Reported Proverb
%
How can you make a programming language that will be good for everything if you
cannot even make such a screwdriver?
    — An Israeli Open Source Software Enthusiast.
%
I understood what Monads are for 5 minutes. Then I had to let go of the
understanding. It was too intense to be kept inside my head.
    — An Israeli Open Source Software Enthusiast.
%
Chuck Norris is ninety out of Jay-Z's 99 problems.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Ariana Grande has one less problem *with* Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris was able to truly appreciate Hamlet, before he read it in the
original Klingon.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
    — Via Dave Mitchell
%
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads
to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray
we have the wisdom to choose correctly.           — Woody Allen
%
Chuck Norris ain’t Got Milk. He drinks the blood of his enemies.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It’s not funny!!!
    — Omer Zak
%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings — including this one.
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
Chuck Norris knows what the gender of Great A’Tuin, the Discworld world turtle,
is.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to get down on Friday.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The more money Chuck Norris comes across, the less problems he sees.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Shania Twain was much impressed by Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris is *not* going to miss Anna Kendrick when she’s gone.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    — Thomas Jones (1892-1969)
%
Chuck Norris’s cat does not chase mice. It chases dogs.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If I had any humility, I would be perfect.
    — Ted Turner
%
Chuck Norris has 50 years of proven experience in PHP/MySQL/Java. Each.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Right Said Fred is not too sexy for Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If a tree falls down in the middle of the forest, and there's nobody in its
vicinity, it will still make a sound, because Chuck Norris can hear it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris’s woodchuck can chuck wood.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris made the baby Jesus stop crying.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The three principal virtues of a programmer are Laziness, Impatience, and
Hubris.
    — https://perldoc.perl.org/perl.html
%
There are two types of command interfaces: good interfaces and user interfaces.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Daniel_J._Bernstein
%
It is a good idea to stop worrying about problems (or “problems” in quotes)
that cannot be fixed.
%
Chuck Norris killed the bottommost turtle.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Reportedly, SANE (= “Scannar Access Now Easy”) was called that way in part
so one can say “TWAIN is not SANE!”.
    — (via an Israeli FOSS enthusiast).
%
Open source software: each person contributes a brick, but ultimately each
person receives a house in return.
    — Brendan Scott (Attributed)
%
Always reach for the stars! Because even if you miss… You’ll be miles away
from me with your motivational bullshit.
    — https://is.gd/PuH02m
%
Chuck Norris has conceived a master plan that does not involve building a time
machine, and if you claim it isn’t good, you’ll be dead.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The reason the Messiah has not come yet, is because Chuck Norris keeps finding
faults in God’s plan for his coming.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The cake was not a lie for Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
God is almighty, but Chuck Norris is almightier.     (By Philip Schroeder.)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory, there is no
difference between theory and practice, while in practice, there is.
    — Source unknown.
%
I before E, except after C. We live in a weird society.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
HP-UX is not a UNIX, and AIX is even less of it than that.
    — An Israeli Open Source Software Enthusiast.
%
A rose by a name picked by Chuck Norris, will smell sweeter.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Objective Visual Turbo Global jIronOpenPerl++.NET™ Enterprise Edition♭
Professional Home Premium Ultimate 64-bit Single-user.
    — based on a Freenode #perl conversation ( https://is.gd/cCUBY2 )
%
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
    — Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson's Calendar”
%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
    — Source unknown.
%
Chuck Norris saved Paradise in order to destroy it.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
He who has more is not happier than he who wants less.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage,
concludes that it is also more nourishing.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/H._L._Mencken
%
Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a
well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/H._L._Mencken
%
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be
married, too.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/H._L._Mencken
%
It's the kind of movie where you would expect The Rock to slide on a
skateboard, along moving chopper rotors, to pick up a girl that is dodging a
lion on a flag-pole at the 200th floor of a building that is currently
collapsing.                — xeno on Freenode’s ##programming.
%
There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of
other people's cultures, and the Dutch.
    — https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295178/quotes
%
Chuck Norris does not care who the hell Alice is.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Zeroth Rule of Fight Club is that Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.
No one tells Chuck Norris what not to do.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If you laugh, Chuck Norris will only laugh with you if the joke is funny.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy
%
Right to bear arms? In Soviet Russia, we have right to whole bear.
    — https://is.gd/EU4puV
%
I think those “Sent from my $DEVICE” signatures in E-mails are actually bad
publicity for these devices, given the poor quality of most of these E-mails.
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/656868022649561088
%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are?
    — Source unknown, taken from Linux’s fortune-mod
%
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the
Force. The power of the Force is insignificant next to the wrath of Chuck
Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The greatest threat to authors and creative artists is not piracy — it's
obscurity.
    — https://radar.oreilly.com/2006/08/piracy-is-progressive-taxation.html
%
Tech needs less wizards, ninjas, and rockstars, and way more sociologists.
    — https://twitter.com/nslater/status/545592700289155072
%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints, and persecute living ones.
    — Nathaniel Howe, https://www.ldsquotes.org/quote?q=1900
%
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nasreddin
%
Learn from mistakes of others; you won't live long enough to make them all
yourself.         — Source unknown via Nadav Har’El
%
BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then
carefully print the chaff.
-- based on Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai
Stevenson, Sr.
%
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Julius_Caesar_%28play%29
%
Chuck Norris created an O(1/N) algorithm.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Klingon warriors’ motto is “It’s a good day to die.” Chuck Norris’s motto
is “It’s a good day to kill.”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
One of Rincewind’s tutors had said of him that “to call his understanding of
magical theory abysmal is to leave no suitable word to describe his grasp of
its practice”.
    — Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
%
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
    — Source unknown, via Linux’s fortune-mod
%
At this point, I'd like to take a moment to speak to you about the Adobe PSD
format. PSD is not a good format. PSD is not even a bad format. Calling it
such would be an insult to other bad formats, such as PCX or JPEG. No, PSD is
an abysmal format.
    — https://github.com/gco/xee/blob/master/XeePhotoshopLoader.m
%
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Richard_III_%28play%29
%
Do you always begin conversations this way?
    — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_%28film%29
%
It’s easier to port a shell than a shell script.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Larry_Wall
%
When you say “I wrote a program that crashed Windows”, people just stare at
you blankly and say “Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*”.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Linus_Torvalds
%
With all the progress being made, it looks like soon we’ll be able to run
Word 2000 in Wine on Cygwin, in Windows 95, in plex 86, on Linux!
    — Francois Gouget (from the movement-sigs fortune file)
%
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is
never sure.   — Proverb [via fortune-mod]
%
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of
jokes.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ludwig_Wittgenstein
%
“Did you sleep well?”
“No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Steven_Wright via Nadav Har’El
%
Barth's Distinction:  There are two types of people: those who divide people
into two types, and those who don't.
    — via fortune-mod.
%
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
    — Source unknown via Nadav Har’El and fortune-mod
%
I believe in the Golden Rule - the man with the gold... rules.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mr._T (Attributed)
%
The key to making programs fast is to make them do practically nothing. ;-)
    — Mike Haetel (= the original author of GNU grep)
— https://lists.freebsd.org/pipermail/freebsd-current/2010-August/019310.html
%
I don’t believe in Astrology, because I’m a Taurus, and Tauri never believe in
Astrology.           — Source unknown
%
Chuck Norris does not believe in Astrology, despite the fact that he is a
Pisces, and that Pisces always believe in Astrology.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Between truth and the search for truth, I opt for the second.
    — Bernard Berenson (Unsourced via fortune-mod)
%
“You may not work around any technical limitations in the software”
    — Windows Vista licence [via Dave Mitchell]
%
Chuck Norris gave Richard III a horse in exchange for his kingdom. Norris is
now the king of England.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris knows exactly which thing is rotten in the kingdom of Denmark.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
When people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Oscar_Wilde (via fortune-mod)
%
I'd rather live with a good question than a bad answer. — Aryeh Frimer
    — https://twitter.com/Marenda/status/752220030272729088
%
Guarantee: this email is 100% free of magnetic monopoles, or your money back!
    — via Nadav Har’El
%
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
    — via Nadav Har’El
%
We all know Linux is great… it does infinite loops in 5 seconds.
    — Linus Torvalds at the Amsterdam Linux Symposium (from fortune-mod).
%
<netgod> Time flies when you’re using Linux.
<doogie> Yeah, infinite loops in 5 seconds.
<Teknix> Has anyone re-tested that with 2.2.x ?
<netgod> Yeah, 4 seconds now.
%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
    — Jean-Paul Kauffmann (Unsourced, via Roman M. Parparov)
%
If you put 7 of the most talented FOSS developers in a room for a week
and asked them to fix a bug in a spreadsheet program, in 1 week
you'd have 2 new mail readers and a text-based web browser.
    — via Bram Moolenaar
%
I’m not young enough to know everything.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/J._M._Barrie
%
The difference between America and England is that the English think 100
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
    — Source unknown, via Linux’s fortune-mod
%
I have defined the 100 per cent American as 99 per cent an idiot.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/George_Bernard_Shaw
%
Don’t worry about what the NSA knows about you. They don’t tell anything they
know to anyone.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/NSA/
%
Summer Glau gave Richard III a horse free-of-charge and let him keep his
kingdom for himself.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
God signs people into the book of life using a pen that Chuck Norris gave him.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Windows Update doesn’t.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
Aesop originally wanted to write his fable as “The Hare and Windows Update”
instead of “The Hare and the Tortoise” but could not figure out how the hare
will ever lose to Windows Update, even despite him not taking the race
seriously.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
By the time it takes Windows Update to download a 22 MB update without
installing it, Mageia Linux’s urpmi was already able to download and install a
game whose package is 900 MB (and there was still a lot of time to spare).
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
Only three things are infinite: the universe, human stupidity, and the amount
of patience that Windows Update requires.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
Windows Update does not take forever to finish updating your computer. It takes
at least forever and two weeks.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
Ten measures of slowness went down to the world.  Windows Update required at
least eleven, so more had to be provided.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Andrew_S._Tanenbaum
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
    — Unclear source, via fortune-mod.
%
Only wimps use tape backup: real men just upload their important stuff on FTP,
and let the rest of the world mirror it.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Linus_Torvalds
%
The only reason some jokes never die is because Chuck Norris is not interested
in killing them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Knights Who Say “Ni” once said “Ni” to Chuck Norris. They are now no longer
The Knights Who Say “Ni”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through
snow.                        — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of half as
good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Charlotte_Whitton
%
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Timothy_Leary
%
Everybody has their pet peeve. Except Chuck Norris.  He can never become
irritated. When somebody does something Chuck Norris disapproves of, he calmly
kills them, and then goes on with the rest of his life.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup
filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy
%
The Blues Brothers are on a mission from God.
God is on a mission from Chuck Norris.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
The Starship Enterprise motto is going to change to “To boldly go where only
Chuck Norris has gone before”.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
I achieved my fast times by multitudes of 1% reductions.
— Bill Raymond in
https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/fc-solve-discuss/conversations/messages/222
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That's funny…”.
— https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Isaac_Asimov [Attributed]
%
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build
bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce
bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rick_Cook  (via Oron Peled)
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
    — Source Unknown
%
Chuck Norris has an Erdős number of -1.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A skyscraper once jumped off Chuck Norris. It didn't survive.
(By Andrew Brehm) — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris once jumped out of a plane, and the parachute did not open. So
instead Chuck Norris opened and brought him and the parachute down safely.
(By Andrew Brehm) — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
I want to create a programming language called “Multiply” so people can say
“I program in Go, Forth, and Multiply”.
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/880376410820542466
%
I’d rather have natural stupidity instead of artificial intelligence.
    — Unknown
%
Artificial Intelligence is not an adequate substitute for natural stupidity.
    — https://www.quotationspage.com/quote/239.html
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
Buddha has the Chuck Norris nature.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
A Zen master once asked Chuck Norris if he had the Buddha nature. Norris
proceeded by making sure the former master will lack any nature whatsoever.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success.
    — Jim Backus (unsourced)
%
Summer Glau can get more with a kind word alone than Al Capone could with a
kind word and a gun.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
The Windows Update developers are going to burn in hell for the combined time
it took it to install updates on the users' computers.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
The reward for a job well done will generally just be another, probably harder,
job.
    — Anthony Towns
%
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
    — attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
%
Take your schedule estimates and multiply them by Pi. Take your expected
profits and divide them by Pi.
    — My father’s mentor’s advice
%
Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Miguel_de_Cervantes (via fortune-mod)
%
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Gloria_Steinem (unsourced)
%
Happy Birthday! You'll be older than I in no time at this rate!
    — ED Curtis Curtis on Facebook
%
“God is dead.” — Nietzsche
“Nietzsche is dead.” — God
“Nietzsche is God.” — dead                (via fortune-mod)
%
Chuck Norris wrote solutions for all the problems of
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Euler , and they all run in under a
minute. In total.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Before I married, I had three theories about raising children and no children.
Now, I have three children and no theories.
    — https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/john_wilmot_175259
%
No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
    — Sherlock Holmes (unsourced, via fortune-mod.)
%
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Charles_de_Gaulle
%
Windows Update is called this way because by the time it finishes, the date has
gone up.
    — Trashlord, https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
If it wasn't for the fun and money, I really don't know why I'd bother.
    — Terry Pratchett in
    https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.fan.pratchett/nQnw8sigGjY/LLNjipJNhHYJ
%
Q:  What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:  You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
    — Source unknown via fortune-mod
%
"Not totally broken" might be a suitable marketing strategy for Microsoft,
but I'm not convinced it's a level we want to be particularly aiming for.
    — Matthew Palmer ( https://is.gd/Eil4Io )
%
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
    — Bernard Berenson, https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Consistency
%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
	* Negative expectations yield negative results.
	* Positive expectations yield negative results.
    — Source unknown, via fortune-mod
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
    — Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
There’s nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
    — Source unknown, via fortune-mod
%
France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper. ― Billy Wilder
    — https://www.reddit.com/r/Quoteprism/comments/988up0/
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
    — Source unknown, via Nadav Har’El.
%
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have
a common enemy.
    — https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/sam_levenson_100238
%
Academic Politics are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so low.
    — https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/08/18/acad-politics/
%
Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many
men happy.
    — Ellyn Mustard, about marriage  (via fortune-mod).
%
Beware from accumulating too much wisdom. It is not wise to be too wise.
    — https://is.gd/a9QW7q
%
The heat death of the universe is best approximated as half the time it would
have taken Windows Update to install a year’s worth of updates.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
If Chuck Norris is disappointed by you not following his advice, he’ll survive.
On the other hand, you will not.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Hail Fluttershy, Princess of Princesses, head of the secret cabal leadership of
the Mossad, the already top secret intelligence agency of the Zionist
conspiracy!                         — https://is.gd/rYa3On
%
If Apple ever tried to sue Taylor Swift for trademark violations of Apple
Swift, they will spend all their money on litigation, and still lose. This will
make many lawyers richer, and the world a better place.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
You might think Taylor Swift is not crazy enough to go after Apple for
violating her trademark, but you'd be wrong. She is far more crazy than that.
But she just doesn't give a damn.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
Taylor Swift can go and destroy the White House.  She and what army? Why, she
and no army.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
You're unlikely to see a YouTube feature "Why people stopped listening to
Taylor Swift's songs any more?"
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
No one is crazy enough to go after Taylor Swift because they know she is much
more crazy than them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
If you ask Taylor Swift "What is the square root of 18.678?", she will answer
"Why the hell does it matter?".
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
Taylor Swift is an unapologetic attention whore, who will spend large amounts
of money, or even time, on activities that will make her more famous or better
regarded.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
Taylor Swift is not the new Madonna. She is the new Socrates.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Taylor-Swift/
%
Chuck Norris wrote solutions for all the problems of Project Euler, and they
all run in under a minute. In total.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If Chuck Norris is disappointed by you not following his advice, he’ll survive.
On the other hand, you will not.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris won't kill you for money. He also won't kill you for a shitload of
money. However, he might opt to kill you as a free-of-charge service, knowing
that ridding the world of scum like you, will pay him back in spades later on.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks are licensed under the public domain because no
one besides him can duplicate them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris will kill you just for the fun of kicking your Death's ass till it
runs away, then beating your soul back into your corpse. (by e-neko).
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Emma Watson played Hermione in the Harry Potter films, but she doesn’t need a
wand to kick your ass.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
“I can spell ‘Emma Watson’ easily enough, but how the hell do I spell ‘Kira
Nightly’?”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
It is wrong to look down on reality show contestants (and more recently -
YouTubers) who, like older forms of entertainers / philosophers, are seeking
recognition and fame. However, the show Beauty and the Geek was doomed to
failure, because not only are most attractive girls increasingly attracted to
geeks, but they are increasingly quite geeky themselves.
    — https://is.gd/sLZCSJ
%
Even our period's canonical "anti-geek", Penny from the popular sitcom The Big
Bang Theory, is a wonderful great hacker, as evident by her constant "hacks"
(or "dispellings") of the rules and prejudice of the show's more stigmatic
geeks.           — https://is.gd/sLZCSJ
%
When there is a PyPy booboo, then PyPy goes byebye!
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html#pypy_booboo
%
Chuck Norris is not a full stack developer. He is an empty queue developer.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would
also stop you from doing clever things.
    — Doug Gwyn ( https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Unix )
%
"They told me I was gullible… and I believed them!"
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
I decided that I'll try to avoid using the "X is a religion" argument.
Many useful or insightful products/trends/movements have some zealots (and that
includes atheism) but they are still useful.
    — https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/1165982522091737088
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
<Chalky> gcc is the best compressor ever ported to Linux. It can turn 12MB
of kernel source (and that's .debbed) into a 500k kernel.
    — via fortune-mod
%
<tm604> I'd stand well clear of anyone classing a nuke as a melee weapon.
    — #perl , https://is.gd/55LJ4y
%
Chuck Norris killed all the members of the Spanish Inquisition, so they won’t
come unexpectedly.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
    — https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Donald_Knuth
%
You have a Mac server? Next you'll tell me that you have an HP-UX desktop.
    - ##programming
%
Chuck Norris was challenged to fight the world, and accepted. He bet on
himself, won, and collected the bet money.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris actually died and became a badass undead zombie killer. He was
actually easier to avoid while being alive.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
To [presumably] quote Kahless the Unforgettable: “Only the most timid of
warriors shall attempt to evade an opportunity of peaceful enlightenment.”. We
have no intention to escape, and surely you can outrun… or outfly us.
    — https://is.gd/zfQlsH
%
If you do not like these factoids, Chuck Norris will still love you. However,
it's not going to stop him from killing you, because he doesn't let his
feelings get in the way of his day-to-day business.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
Chuck Norris can destroy the world instantaneously.  However, he prefers it to
suffer from a long, slow, cruel, torture.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
“When I was your age, Emma Watson was called ‘Sarah Bernhardt’!”

“Whoa, dude! How old are you?”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
Chuck Norris coerced God into giving him the source code of the universe, but
then destroyed it because real programmers can alter binaries directly.
    — http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Chuck-Norris/
%
If Emma Watson and Arnold Schwarzenegger were locked in a room alone, only Emma
would come out alive. After she would break the door open.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Emma Watson never fights against men. It wouldn't be fair to them.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
“I don't want to mess with Summer Glau, but I'll let her mess with me every
day!”
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Summer Glau can kill everyone else using her mind, and start a superior race.
However, she finds inferior humans to be mildly entertaining and challenging.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Basically, there were two sides to the world. There was the entire computer
games software industry engaged in a tremendous effort to stamp out piracy,
and there was Wobbler. Currently, Wobbler was in front.
    — Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
%
Nobody dies except for the enemies of Summer Glau. But luckily she considers
everyone her friend.  (via mst.)
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
You can look at Summer Glau, but you’d better not touch… if you know what’s
good for you.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Summer-Glau/
%
Definition of “The Alpha Female”: the woman people are talking about people
talking about.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour.html
%
"It doesn't take a witch to fix this computer. All it takes is a Phillips
Screwdriver."
%
I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater
than the sum of both of us.
    — Surak of Vulcan, Star Trek: "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.
    — J. K. Galbraith (via fortune-mod)
%
The safest world possible would be the one with only Emma Watson and you alive
in it. Everybody else are just fluff.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Emma Watson *will* get out of bed for less than 200,000 USD per day. That is
because she always gets out of bed, to seize the day, even if it is an idle
one.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Emma-Watson/
%
Selina: Yes, I know. It was not too hard, but I was surprised there are
Klingon vampires.

The Guide: YOU SHOULD NOT BE SO NAIVE IN THE FUTURE. VAMPIRISM HAS BEEN
A SCOURGE ALL ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/
%
I never met a monster I didn’t like.
    — Vincent Price on The Muppet Show
    — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQALLGsn-Fk
%
Oh well, some people learn faster than others.
    — Vincent Price on The Muppet Show
    — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQALLGsn-Fk
%
Sam the Eagle: You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty…
freako!
Alice Cooper: why, thank you!
    — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNYI3iINXrQ
%
Parents are not interested in justice. They are interested in quiet.
    — attributed to Bill Cosby in https://is.gd/3S1ICI
%
"Philosophy" means "the love of wisdom", and "amateur" means "someone who
works for the love of it".

As a result, when I described myself as an "amateur philosopher", there could
have been some redundancy.
%
The odds are SO much insanely higher to not ever exist, vs. being born. I
can’t believe I exist.

    -- Alex Goot ( https://twitter.com/alexgoot/status/1335832449067126785 )
%
True ignorance is not the absence of knowledge, but the refusal to acquire it.

    -- Unknown
    -- Via Trashlord’s IRC /quit message
%
Trust me: every problem in computer science may be solved by an indirection,
but those indirections are *expensive*. Pointer chasing is just about the most
expensive thing you can do on modern CPUs.

    -- Linus Torvalds ( http://lwn.net/Articles/509417/ )
%
I'm going to do a routine now, the ones of you that have heard it before may
enjoy hearing it again. The ones of you that have not heard it before - may
enjoy hearing it again next time.
    -- Victor Borge, Phonetic Punctuation
%
Today I told my father: “I will go for a walk now, before it will be later”.
    — Post to the Hebrew Facebook Tautologies Club:
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/395407367258297/permalink/2262134623918886/
%
<baum>: if you are judging a source control solution by its company and years
of existence, maybe check out Visual SourceSafe :)
    ­— ##programming
%
If the Hare in the "Tortoise and the Hare" was pitted against Windows Update,
he could have taken a two weeks-long vacation in the Caribbean and still win.
    — https://www.shlomifish.org/humour/bits/facts/Windows-Update/
%
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so
simple we couldn’t.
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art!
    — https://genius.com/Weird-al-yankovic-amish-paradise-lyrics
%
* Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
* If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time
to do it over?
    — Unknown Source (via fortune-mod).
%
<rindolf> we are discussing our plans to end the oppression of the proletariat
          by the open source-proliferating Capitalistic hegemony!
<rindolf> From each according to his hard-disk capacity - to each according to
          his warez's size!
    — ##programming conversation, https://is.gd/CG7HkL
%
You divorce wives, not children.
    — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clueless
%
I am not saying that every piece of code should be rewritten every 6 months,
but in my understanding “If it ain't broke, don't fix it” actually translates
to “Let's wait till it breaks and then panic”.
https://szabgab.com/what-does--if-it-aint-broke-dont-fix-it--really-mean
%
<bandali>  rindolf, ah… I'm sure dealing with npm isn't fun :-)
<rindolf>  bandali: it wasn't npm's fault this time, but yes
<bandali>  haha, it's *always* npm's fault ;-)
    — #gnu conversation, https://is.gd/CjRLIl
%
Things will always go wrong, even if they cannot.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law
%
Anyway: man becomes the Alpha Male of Damascus and every unmarried female wants
him; Man wishes to marry The Diva… The Alpha Female, I suppose, so he will be
able to have sex with her, and so that she'll ward off competition.

We all heard this story many times. There is nothing new under the sun.
    ­- "So, who the hell is Qoheleth?"
%
<oft_gegong> I don’t go to wikipedia links. The owner of wikipedia is 98% evil
   <rindolf> oft_gegong: I am 101% evil.
   <rindolf> oft_gegong: I once was 102% evilm but I donated 1% out of that to
             people in need ;)
    — ##linux , https://is.gd/avKGX7
%
Genetically-speaking, Christina Grimmie isn’t my daughter, but my father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate's ex-step-2nd-niece-in-law. ;)

Spiritually and intellectually, she-and-I are family.